A Good Breakdown

Saturday April 27, 2019

Gifted with anxiety as I am; I have also learned that a breakdown can be a good thing and not just in unused moving boxes.

Some years ago when I drove a school bus and was riddled with anxious thoughts and feelings, I had to break down the morning and afternoon run into baby steps. In the morning, I was plagued with the mindness of: "I can't do this. I should just quit. Call in sick at least." Then I would reframe to myself; "I will stick one foot out from the blankets and set it on the floor. Okay. Now I will sit up... stand up... walk to the bathroom... walk out to my car... well I am here may as well stick the key in the lock... turn. Open the door..." Each step got easier. It is true the first step is the hardest and that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single one of those hard steps.

"Take one day at a time," I have heard so often. And despised. As if there is another option in how days present themselves? According to a cute bumper sticker there is: "I try to take one day at a time but lately several have attacked me at once!"

For me, radical acceptance is key. It is what it is, no matter what it is. I wish I wasn't anxious but I am. I wish I didn't have a flaming case of PTSD but I do. So I no longer lay claim to them by calling them MY anxiety, MY PTSD, MY depression and insomnia. No. These are things I am affected by and deal with effectively by breakdowns. Good breakdowns. Step for step, not resulting in a trip to the psych ward.

As for one day at a time? And there even being a hymn to that affect in title and terms both.... I say pshaw! I have to live 20 minutes at a time. I look at a daunting task and say; "I could do that for 20 minutes anyway." Repeat.

The truth is, I am too blessed to be stressed and too grateful to stay immobilized by negatives. I love what the things affecting me have brought: for one; you all and moodscope.


A Moodscope member.

PS. my favourite perspective-adjusting quote: "If they chase you out of town act like you're leading the parade." (Unknown).

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