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April


What have you done since Les's blog last week? Friday April 10, 2015

Here are the three questions posed last week:

1) 'What do you do?'
2) 'What are you passionate about?'
3) 'What is it that makes your heart sing?'

With the last question we shift the conversation to an almost spiritual/emotional level. It really connects and gets to the core about what truly moves us, which is quite different from the first two.

Now, if you did ask those questions of yourself last week (or have asked them now) and felt that your 'real self' emerged – what have you done/what will you do to move towards, what makes your heart sing – towards the real you?

All too often I speak to, or work with people who are clear what makes their heart sing and yet stay stuck in something that they 'do' – human-doing without embracing who they actually are – human-being.

When I then push to ask what they are going to change the tendency can be to Defend, Justify and Explain.(DJE).

DJE is simply another way of saying we are not truly committed to what we believe – another way of attempting to explain to our subconscious that we are not following our heart – another way of subsuming ourselves into the world of grey.

When Chief Executive of a local authority in the early 90s and depression descended, my values were diluted while I hardly saw my family; I made the decision to follow my heart and leave this secure, high profile, highly paid post to keep my dream and thus myself alive.

I then left two further posts for the same reason after that and now I am still following my own dream – to be a true public servant ten years on.

If you stay unhappy in a job – you teach your children that work is about suffering for the money.

If you stay in an unloving marriage – you teach children that marriage has much suffering and even little love.

If you attempt to 'lose' your pain in drink or drugs or sex, how can your heart be heard?

If you do not talk about and explain your mental health challenge or your partner doesn't want you to – you teach your family to stay closed and often needy.

Have you moved one step towards what makes your heart sing since last week? What steps do you need to take this week? And if not this week - when?

Les
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Anonymous Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 8:08am

When I read your original post last week, it made me sad. When I read this this morning it made me cry. That's not unusual in itself, I cry most mornings. My heart doesn't sing, it's broken. You seem to assume 'your partner' - I don't have one any more. You talk about moving jobs, I've been looking for another job for around two years now. You speak about staying in an 'unloving marriage', I loved my husband and he loved me, but he was unfaithful, so I left him, after 30 years of marriage. That was 5 years ago and I'm unbearably lonely. I've joined evening classes, taken up new hobbies, joined a social group. I try very hard to be sociable and happy when around others.
What if nothing makes your heart sing? What if you've just given up?

Hopeful One Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 8:33am

Hi Anonymous- so terribly sorry to read you are having such a terrible time having apparently lost all those things that were dearest to you.My sympathies and a cyber hug go out to you.It is sad to read that nothing makes your heart sing.Well lets look at it from a different point of view and ask yourself "What will make my heart sing" .Make a list- there will always be something however small. Then try and set about seeing if you an make any of those items possible.Maybe join a dating site and see if love and companionship can come into your life to alleviate the loneliness?Take on some voluntary activity.?Helping other makes one forget ones woes and the very act of helping has beneficial effect on the giver.It also introduces some sense of commitment which can suffer if one is unemployed. Get a pet/ The company of pets who give you unconditional love has a enormous positive effect.I have many other ideas but these should do for now.Above all do not lose hope that things will get better and things will improve. And never,never,never never give up.

Julia Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 8:38am

Hi Les. I am meeting my friend on Monday so will ask her then what makes her heart sing. I haven't seen her since your last blog. I have had a really bad time of it lately and my heart has tried to sing but it has been weighed down. I do appreciate your blogs and your views on heart versus money. You are of course right in theory. But I had to stay in my ghastly job precisely because I had two children to support. I did get out eventually but only when I knew it wouldn't affect our finances too much. I agree we shouldn't put money before our hearts but we live in a society which is geared towards financial stability and more i.e greed. I wasn't greedy, far from it, but could not just give up work until I knew my children would not suffer financially. I suffered horribly or years in that job and maybe looking back, I should have given it up years sooner despite money implications. I really know what you are aiming for and I am totally behind you, a world where we are governed by our hearts and not money or IQ. Keep going with this theme Les. It's so vital to everyone's well being. I liked your point about our families, that if we don't explain how we feel, we create neediness. This has happened in my family. I have found it so difficult to explain how I feel to them! And certain members of my family are needy for my attention and what I can give or offer. I am not strong enough to say no. I don't blame myself as this was and still is to a certain degree beyond my control. But I'm getting there.

Julia Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 8:46am

Hi Anonymous. It sounds as if you have tried everything during the 5 years since your husband was unfaithful and you bravely left him.That took courage. Perhaps don't try anymore. I know you are lonely but who wouldn't be in the circumstances you describe. Can you stop and take time for reflection? It sounds exhausting, evening classes, new hobbies etc etc! You made a very courageous hard decision leaving your husband. as I said. Now start to be kind to yourself and take it easy for a month of two, That's my advice. (it's not meant to conflict with yours Hopeful, but just another angle from which to look at life)

Di Murphey Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 10:35am

Dearest Les ~
As an educator/writer/illustrator for the children's book market, I fall in love quite often with little tiny blessings of Spirit. I am a very late bloomer and find my passions are more freely experienced as I age. It was not until I became ill four years ago that I began to find my way to a singing heart. It is richly rewarding to read of your search for what has made & continues to make your heart sing.

It is my commitment as I journey through the winter of my life, to be as authentic as I possibly can. Sometimes it costs. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is so dark that I must wait for sunrise to shine its faerie-dust light on it.

So at 3:00am I journal. I sketch. I dance (classical ballet). And I go to my little music room and play every instrument. Or, I start a new song while allowing my heart strings to heal. And, I love. Me.

If I have a day where I never quite get around to making my heart sing because of multiple commitments to life (and there are many), I feel hollow and I see a shallow ghost of myself waiting for me to honor it. When I am grieving & lonely for the recent loss & of friends, family & dear rescue pets, (as I am now) finding a way to make my heart sing while crying usually makes me begin to laugh.

Thank you, my friend. Our friend.
Lovingly,
Di

Hopeful One Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 11:32am

Hi Julia Anonymous - I agree with Julia that if A nonymous can develop a compassionate stance towards herself in her mind It will help her enormously. Not so sure about giving up the activities. I think they are giving anonymous something to aim for . Although they are not making her heart sing sitting twiddling her thumbs could be worse because it is then that the mind starts ruminating and going negative.

Melanie Lowndes Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 2:41pm

Thank you Les for your lovely post - I will print it and put it on my wall. My horse makes my heart sing. So did a love of mine but then he did not respect me so here my head needs to take over to protect my heart! To anonymous I say listen to everything - the birds, the trees, see the light reflecting on the water, watch the sky and also listen to your inner voice - like the others say maybe you are being hard on yourself - listen well and realise you do not need to be hard on yourself at all - we are all like beginners at life, learning to live and love, appreciate all your own brave efforts - however much it may seem that others have it sussed! Love and blessings.

Di Murphey Fri, Apr 10th 2015 @ 8:05pm

Dearest Anonymous ~
So many great ideas have been presented to you. Have you considered taking your husband back into the fold of love and forgiveness? Being unfaithful can be harsh and ices the emotions, yet it is a very human circumstance. Many wish they could hit the replay button. It is seldom worth the outcome. Just a thought, dear one. My own heart breaks for you.
Lovingly,
Di

les Sat, Apr 11th 2015 @ 1:36am

Hi Anonymous 0808

It's tough I know........the challenge is to go 'in' and find yourself to 'inscape' and not to have to go 'outside' (escape) to see balance for yourself.....

Not what you want to hear I know.........

Until you are aligned and coherent yourself - you will not have the spirit for anyone to 'tune' into .......

We attract what we are.

If we are broken - we attract brokenness......
If we needy.....we attract co-dependency.....never works.

I believe you have to have a healthy heart to be able to help it sing!

You need to find you ......before you find 'other'....

The loneliness can only really be 'healed' from the inside.......tough as that sounds and is.......its the longest and toughest journey there is.

"Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future".


Les Sat, Apr 11th 2015 @ 1:40am

Hi Julia

Keep taking those steps..........one after another........

Les Sat, Apr 11th 2015 @ 1:43am

"It is my commitment as I journey through the winter of my life, to be as authentic as I possibly can. Sometimes it costs. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is so dark that I must wait for sunrise to shine its faerie-dust light on it."......Yes .....YES

And it is that commitment to be your authentic self.....that will bring many bright autumn days........

That courage is what brings the 'sun'.........both in and out....

Keep shining..........

Les Sat, Apr 11th 2015 @ 1:48am

Thank you Melanie...

Yup start with heart before head and then....then.........use the head to assess...........

Compass B 4 clock...........Heart B 4 Head..........Morals B 4 Money........People B 4 Process...........Feelings B 4 Facts............Relationship B 4 Results...........Meaning B 4 Materials

Anonymous as Melanie says...........love yourself.........and then and only then, will you truly be able to love anyone else.

Most seek that love externally B 4 they spend the time, pain and effort to find it inside......which is how we find that emotional and spiritual compass.

Anonymous Sat, Apr 11th 2015 @ 8:25am

Thank you all for you thoughtfulness and replies.

Hopeful - thank you. What would make my heart sing is someone who loves me and who wants to share life with me. The following is all going to sound very negative, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
I have been on a couple of dating sites for about 2 years. Sometimes people start a 'conversation' with me, it seems to fizzle out. Sometimes I start a conversation with someone else, they rarely respond. I have been on 3 or 4 'dates', they go OK, but there's no connection or spark. The whole dating site thing now just makes me feel worse, it feels like just more rejection.
I volunteered for a while in the local Oxfam shop, but taking on a regular commitment, other than my full time job just overwhelms me. The same overwhelmed feeling applies to pets - I can't face the responsiblity. I can't even look after my own 'children' - a while after my husband left, I left the family home ('children' grown up I hasten to add) partly because it was a constant reminder of him and partly because I couldn't cope with looking after a household and other people. I live alone now. I see my 'children' quite regularly, they look after the cat too. I am losing hope, I've tried everything I can think of.

Julia - yes, I am coming to that conclusion too, I'm cutting back a bit, but it's going to take a lot longer than a month or two.

Di M - it's not a question of forgiving - my husband doesn't want me, and I have lost all respect for him anyway.

Les - that made me cry some more. I don't know who I am. The person I thought I was went away a long time ago, sometime during the 7 years I tried to deal with my husband's unfaithfulness, I can't even remember who she was now and I don't know how to find her. The future I thought I had has gone. None of it is coming back. I'm very aware that we attract who we are. I know I'm alone because, quite frankly, who would want me. I have no idea how to change any of this, I am who I am. I hate having nobody to share things with. My biggest fear has always been loneliness. Both my mother and my father-in-law have just gone into nursing homes, their partners are still fit enough to live at home, alone, so they are all now separated from their partners too, so what's the point anyway?

I'm sorry if this all sounds muddled

Les Sat, Apr 11th 2015 @ 9:07am

Hi A

It doesn't sound muddles at all...........

Please start to stop putting yourself down.......here you are being open, honest, vulnerable and REAL.

I know hundreds of people who could never be as real as you are being!
I'd far rather talk to you than them.

What is the point in having an unreal conversation? What a waste of time.

Look at the response to your comment - 4 people have used their own time to connect with you - a real person - for sure one who is struggling - as we all do.

Do you have a friend(s) who you can talk to and explore those gems that you offer? To start to build a wee platform from which you can step....small steps one after the other?

If not.....use your 4 new friends in Moodscope to explore stuff with - even write a blog - which you've nearly already done to a) continue to be real b) build more friends c) connect with other who have felt the same way.

I once attempted suicide......I was SO worthless..............and then things shift.....

What can you do that is different and thus start with a different step?

Dating sites I would think are dangerous for people who are more 'needy'.....as we all can be. For me they can be used when people are OK about themselves.......dangerous otherwise.

The words you use to describe yourself will give hints and attract the wrong type - the conversations you'll have will reveal - the work I do with horses has taught me SO much....if my heart is not right - they will not work with me. We give off a frequency from our heart that other hearts pick up....so ANY conversation with anyone when you are not 'coherent' cannot work as well as you would like it......our sub-conscience picks it all up.

In a way I'm glad it made you cry again......its true ......and thus gets to your heart.....and that is actually healthy :-)

If you need to - go back and find her - go inside and find that heart again - only you can do that not anyone else....that is your task in life.....find who you are again and it will not be the same, that's for sure.....it cannot be...you've changed...........

Accept the changes - begin to love who you are now - and your heart will start to find its voice again - maybe weak at first - but it will find its singing voice again......no one else can do that for you......and then you can go on dating sites with a different spirit.

What are you going to do DIFFERENTLY today - a wee fraction - a tiny compass shift - a minute shift to start to 'see' / feel / sense you are worthy?

Even replying again might work?
Writing a blog even if you do not send it?
Or simply getting through the day having spent 5 minutes doing something different.........find a mindfulness web site and enjoy the guided session to give you 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of relief from your on-going pain.

You have to find the courage.........

You are the ONLY person that can change you.

You can do it...........you have got to here.........many do not even achieve that............I attempted once not to go on ..........and here I am.

At present you are STILL allowing your ex to dictate your life........does he care? Time to fully let him go..........if you want to live your life not his.

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." ~ Author Unknown

Slainte
Les

Anonymous Mon, Apr 13th 2015 @ 8:09am

Hi Les,
Thank you for your reply.

I didn't realise I was putting myself down - how do you mean? I'm aware of being negative about things, I'm just too tired, sad and disappointed to be positive any more.

I have a couple of friends that I talk to sometimes, but they have problems of their own to deal with and I don't want to bring them further down with mine. And I keep saying the same old things to them. I know that the only person that can help me is me anyway.

I'm very sorry to hear that you attempted suicide, and I hope you never get to that place again. I have been very close, I have a 'plan', but I have made a promise to myself that if I ever get to the point where I feel I'm going to carry out my plan, I will wait, just for one day, and if I still feel the same the next day, then I will go ahead.

I'm also not aware that I'm allowing my ex to dictate my life - how do you mean?

I get through my days OK, mornings are my worst time, I tend to wake at 4 or 5am, feeling really low and I start thinking about things. I'm afraid that reading Moodscope and blogs makes me very sad in that I continue to think about how lonely I am and how unhappy I feel. I try to think about ways I can change my life, but it all just defeats and overwhelms me. If I just ignore it all, i.e. just get up, don't read my moodscope email, get on the train and go to work, I feel better.

Trying to sort it all out just makes me feel worse and reduces me to tears again.
You're being so kind, thank you.

Les Mon, Apr 13th 2015 @ 2:54pm

Hi A

I didn't realise I was putting myself down - how do you mean? I'm aware of being negative about things, I'm just too tired, sad and disappointed to be positive any more.
You have done anumber of things that people in your position may not have and yet you also still go to work…..lok at what you achieve NOT what you don’t.
I used to have a wee list ech day – get out of bed / shower / wash hair / shave / put clothes on / go downstair / have breakfast / hoover / - all before I would stop and sit…as that is when the negative thoughts come flooding back in. Make lists of the smallest of things and tick them off for that sense of achievement – never compare with when you are not depressed. By the sounds of it you also go to work – WOW….I couldn’t go out the dor, never mind go to work and peform!!!

I have a couple of friends that I talk to sometimes, but they have problems of their own to deal with and I don't want to bring them further down with mine. And I keep saying the same old things to them. I know that the only person that can help me is me anyway.
Ask them if they want to hear about you! Do not take their power of listening away bevasue YOU think THEY do not want to hear. Give them the decision….you may be surprised. You are NOT the only person who can help you….everyone can…..what they cannot do is change you. THAT is your role.

I'm very sorry to hear that you attempted suicide, and I hope you never get to that place again. I have been very close, I have a 'plan', but I have made a promise to myself that if I ever get to the point where I feel I'm going to carry out my plan, I will wait, just for one day, and if I still feel the same the next day, then I will go ahead.
If you are still going to work…that plan should be a LONG way off.

I'm also not aware that I'm allowing my ex to dictate my life - how do you mean?
The way you say it – is as tho he caused the problem…..you stepped into another world through some self-respect for yourself and left someone who spent time with someone else. Well done…….there are thousands of people who unhappily stay in that situation for the rest of their life. You chose to be courageous – FAB. Belive in yourself more………..all the worlds opportunities are out there for you now ?

I get through my days OK, mornings are my worst time, I tend to wake at 4 or 5am, feeling really low and I start thinking about things. I'm afraid that reading Moodscope and blogs makes me very sad in that I continue to think about how lonely I am and how unhappy I feel. I try to think about ways I can change my life, but it all just defeats and overwhelms me. If I just ignore it all, i.e. just get up, don't read my moodscope email, get on the train and go to work, I feel better.
Yup – I used to be around then waking up and suicidal thoughts would be with me within the hour. Switch it from feeling lonely to even for a split second feeling that you have morals and integorty far more than your ex husband had. You simply have to re-edjust to being you again….and it takes each of us our own time.
FAB you can get on a train…….you WILL feel better as soon as yu move and speak to others….an energy will appear..

Trying to sort it all out just makes me feel worse and reduces me to tears again.
You're being so kind, thank you.
Tears are good……..emotion flows…
You are being brave in writing….so it is a pleasure.

Check out http://www.ted.com/playlists/175/the_struggle_of_mental_health

"I particularly valued my parents' good-night kisses, and I used to sleep with my head on a tissue that would catch them as they fell off my face, so that I could put them away and save them forever." Andrew Solomon - Noonday Demon


Slainte
Les

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