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30

October


Thoughts in a malestrom. Sunday October 30, 2016

Faster and faster...

Looking around
everything blurs
laying in bed.

Faster and faster...

Lying in the middle of a maelstrom
trying to get hold of a friend
but I just pull them down.

Faster and faster...

Where does it go?
When will it stop?
Will it destroy me instead?

Faster and faster...

Hoping for some certainty
a fraction of security
a tiny bit of love.

Faster and faster...

Refusing drugs to slow it down
feeling alive while close to death
waiting for the crash.

Slower...

This time I got out
panting, but alive
how long can this go on?

Slower...

I have analysed myself
tried to prevent things like this
none of my dams have held.

Slower...

Where has my discipline gone?
Should I embrace my mental chains again?
Can I ever feel emotion, intimacy, love?

Slower...

Freedom may be too dangerous
though it is only freedom of mind
the feeling thrills but is threatening.

Slower...

I patch up the wreck of my battered mind
setting sail again
seeking the next cliff to shatter on.

I shout out LOUD
THIS IS NOT GOING TO TAKE ME DOWN
IT IS FEEBLE, WEAK AND PUNY

I WILL PREVAIL
AM GOING TO BEAT IT DOWN
AM RESISTANT, HARD AND CAPABLE

A sound ship again
the HMS Me
I come out of the storm.

Richard
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Sally Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 6:14am

Wow, Richard. Very powerful stuff. Thanks so much for sharing. I could identify with some of it, i felt. The build up of pressure, the mania, the can't stop/ won't stop, The need for reassurance, the need for love and kindness. Which I'm sure you'll find in due course. I don't know how old you are but in my twenties I felt unloved and unlovable , and alone. That changed, thankfully, and I no longer feel that. I am blessed with lovely family and friends, a wonderful daughter, son, and husband. In no particular order ( as they say!) .
I wish you well, and help of the right kind if and when you need it, and may you know how here, on Moodscope, you will always be valued for who you are. Virtual hugs zooming your way, Richard. Happy Sunday to you. Sally

Richard Fox Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 2:04pm

Thank you very much indeed all this is reassuring. I am glad that you liked my little poem especially since it is the first time for me publishing something like this. Have a nice Sunday too, Richard Fox

Orangeblossom Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 6:59am

Hi Richard thanks for your blog which I loved, found it gripping. I would also like to echo Sally's comments to you. All the best.

Richard Fox Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 2:05pm

Thanks a lot and have a nice day

the room above the garage Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 9:00am

"None of my dams have held"...so beautiful. I know that particular feeling very much, your description is precise. Thank you Richard, I love hearing others experiences, it's...valuable. Thanks for trusting us with it. How did you feel after you wrote it? Love ratg x.

Richard Fox Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 2:10pm

Thanks for your support. As you may have noticed this was for me the first time writing something like that. So it was a totally new experience to deal with emotion in such a way, making me feel much calmer afterwards. Best regards, Richard Fox

Mary Wednesday Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 9:16am

Just brilliant. Fantastic writing and echoing thoughts and sensations many of us in this community reguarly experience. Wonderful to see you here. Thank you for contributing.

Richard Fox Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 2:13pm

Thank you, I feel indeed honoured by the praise from you.

Jul Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 9:17am

Good morning Richard. I love this and the lines.."Freedom may be too dangerous
though it is only freedom of mind"is wonderful. Freedom is freedom of the mind. I love the name HMS ME! Peace and Love Richard, Peace and Love. Julxxx

the room above the garage Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 12:03pm

Hello Jul, I hope today is a good one for you. I always picture you cycling through autumn leaves in the wood :-)

Jul Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 3:47pm

Hello ratg. Today isn't that good actually but better than some really bad days!! And I've been on my bike. At the weekend I cycle down to the harbour and along a coastal path. During the week, I cycle at the back of our house across fields. You are right about the leaves. This morning I cycled through the lovely coloured leaves on the cycle path. I know you are not keen on cycling ratg so it's very kind of you to picture me on my bike! I hope today is good for you too. The children are back at school here in England tomorrow. Is it the same for you? Love Jul xxx

LP Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 10:36am

Hi Richard,
Thank you for sharing such a personal, powerful and beautifully presented piece of your experience with us. I really felt how battered and worn you have felt. I liked your image of a great ship especially your determined resillience as you weather the storms. I wish you well on your travels. Love to all. LP xx

Richard Fox Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 2:19pm

Hello LP, Thank you for the nice words, sometimes it really helps me to picture myself as something else (for example a ship on a calm ocean). Only this time the ocean wasn't calm anymore, which brought me into a quite weird emotional state but also produced this little piece.

LP Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 8:18pm

I was glad that you weathered the harsness of the storm and what you produced from it is awesome!

Richard Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 10:38am

Peace and Love to all. Including the author of today's blog. It wasn't me.
Richard a.k.a Peace & Love Richard.
Happy to leave it there, Moodscope. Farewell.

the room above the garage Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 12:02pm

:-) from this day forth to be known as Peace & Love Richard

LP Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 8:24pm

As in fare thee well, or so long, farewell P&LR?

Dee Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 11:42am

Am identifying with you and feel utterly lost, thank you for having the courage to write it, Dee

The Gardener Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 4:14pm

Welcome Richard Fox - your poem sounded like a single-handed round the world yachtsman who had forgotten his compass! Jul's bike ride make me envious - shoving a wheel chair to church not quite the same - but such a beautiful morning here - and people make a special point of coming and saying 'hello'. The thought of sailing into calm waters, being 'free'

The Gardener Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 4:39pm

Calm waters got very disturbed - an old lamp went 'bang' yesterday and put one plug, I thought, out of action - went to church, came back to a flooded kitchen - checked everything - stumped - water would not run away - chemist/handyman came and found that the big 'bang' had also blown fuse on pump which deals with wast water. Back to Richard and his maelstrom - very scary - I remember when manic that it was a bit like a kite getting away, or the strings on a marionette getting jumbled. I'm jumbled - writing nonsense to avoid going back to the shipwreck of my kitchen. Why am I thinking of Mendelsshon while reading the poem? Overture? Symphony? something about calm waters. Go gently, Richard fox - donna nobis pacem - like it much more than Peace be with you.

Leah Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 8:33pm

Richard Fox,
Great poem and imagery. I am someone who gets sea sick on a wharf!!
I do like the line" I patch up the wreck of my battered mind' and can relate to that as it is something I do a lot!!
Leah

Eva Sun, Oct 30th 2016 @ 10:29pm

Interesting blog Richard, thank you. I am becalmed currently, I can't get anywhere fast and just have to accept and be patient in the hopes that the winds will pick up at some point and I'll be able to return to a more steady pace, flying the occasional spinekar and occasionally battening down the hatches.

Nicco Tue, Nov 1st 2016 @ 10:36pm

Thank you for your blog, Richard. I can identify with a lot of it. I would love to be able to ride my bike, especially to places as beautiful as you describe - I hope it brings you at least some solace and relief from the turbulence of the maelstrom. Go well. Nicco.

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