Moodscope's blog

7

February


Lost & Forlorn. Sunday February 7, 2016

Sometimes if I dip for a time, most often in the morning, this is how I feel as I seek to somehow re-connect to the world outside my bedroom. Well, just my bed really...

How dark is blue,
In this life of mine.
As I walk the streets,
It's no pantomime.

Alone and lost,
As I walk in the dark.
I only think back,
The future's too stark.

I used to be happy,
Walking the streets.
I really had nothing,
But my heart had a beat.

I have achieved so much,
Changed so many lives.
Now I feel empty,
And the cut of the knives.

I used to have angst,
And suicidal thoughts.
Now I am lost,
And my thoughts come to nought.

I am so creative,
And can make connections as well.
But there must be something,
To take me to hell.

I lost my daughter,
Through my wife and money.
I lost my dog,
Life wasn't funny.

But I pulled on through,
And did my own thing.
The problem is now,
My heart doesn't sing.

My soul is bleeding,
My spirit is gone.
How long can I go on,
Dark and forlorn.

But I'll get up tomorrow,
Put my feet on the floor.
I can only keep moving,
Yet I can't find the door!

There is always that need to KNOW I have to move, history has shown to me that the more I move, the more I lift.

Les
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


Permalink  |  Blog Home

Comments

jen Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 7:10am

I want to respond to you, but feel that this medium is inadequate on this occasion. Your words are so gut wrenchingly descriptive. Your responses to the blogs of other people are always so helpful, so I hope that as the day progresses that others will be able to comfort and help you to heal. In the meantime, I'm just sending a big moodscope hug and the hope that your heart soon sings again.

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:42pm

Hi jen - thanks....I can sense your spirit. In many ways I occasionally post one of my recent poems, to enable people who cannot express their disturbance in words and who feel alone - to feel they are not alone on their journey. 'To go fast go alone - to go far, go together.' Hug appreciated.

Liane Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 7:12am

Les,
Nothing on Thursday and then your sad comments today. You speak of your on-going challenges. I hope you find love and peace. Keep putting your feet on the floor and moving forward, searching. A fulfilling life is there for you. You deserve it for you have much to contribute and receive. Thank you for the new poem. You express your feelings with visual images and sincerity.

Anonymous Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:39am

Not quite true. I received two blogs on Thursday. One by Brum Mum and one by Les. However I echo your sentiments. Thank you Les for writing those two blogs and for your continuous support for us in this community, despite your own struggles.

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:43pm

Thanks Liane and anon

Alex Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:00am

Les,
The one thing I want to express doesn't have words.....
(((((((((((((Les)))))))))))))))
With purrs from Data and Spock
Alex

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:45pm

Hi Alex - purrchnace to dream.....

Soulmansblue Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:17am

Hi Les,

Very open and honest Les. Well written and also thought provoking. I hope that one day that you not only find the door but that you have the key to unlock it and are empowered to open and walk through it and find that life is much better on the other side.

Meanwhile keep on getting out of bed and facing each day as best you can. One step at a time.

Sorry I've said little but right now it's just not that easy. Take Care

SMB

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:47pm

Hi SMB - I believe people can 'feel' authenticity and so I simply let the words fall out as always....in the hope it kinda expresses it for others. No matter how much you say - it always has meaning. I hope things progress......

the room above the garage Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:47am

Thank you Les. Similar here. All we have to do is press our feet into the sand prints we left before. Let's take the day half hour by half hour. Walking with you. Love ratg X.

Leah Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 10:36am

room, good to see your name but sorry you are struggling but you are moving. I am walking with you too. Sending hugs across the seas.x

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:39pm

Glad you're still there RATG...waving a liddle bear paw at ya x x x

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:49pm

Hi RATG - aye......step by step....hopefully in that warm sand of the future. Lx

the room above the garage Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 4:16pm

Hello Leah, Bear, Les, how lovely to make contact. I've been reading the blogs daily, and they have been so good, but getting through the day has been my limit so commenting has had to be shelved. Good news though is that although challenged, I know I'm better this time round (at this time of year) that ever before so I'm feeling good about that. You are each little gifts that I am lucky to have, thank you xxx.

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 4:57pm

Hi RATG - each day now, the light is a little bit longer..... Powerful statement.....'better than ever before'...great.

Anonymous Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:55am

Good morning Les. What is the problem right now? What is it you are unhappy about? Why are things going not so well as a few months ago when you thought you had cracked it?
Maybe you are much better than you think, only not as good as you were. Isn't that called life? Phases pass through not doing much to change things. Our moods have a life of their own and not much we can do will stop them happening.
But you are right, for me, one of the most positive things is to get up at the same time each day. I set my alarm clock for 8am,I hear the coffee machine going off and I force myself to get out of bed. It's hell most mornings as I don't sleep well so the temptation to stay a little longer is enormous but no! It's a positive to feel pleased about. It doesn't help my mood and I am inwardly groaning.. oh another day but it seems to help me to know I do this each day, rain or shine. i know you'll get there Les but don't expect too much of yourself. Take it easy. Jul x

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:54pm

Hi Anon - Mainly the divorce which has taken nearly 8 years and any savings I had - we were 36 hrs away from court in December....and now I have to sell the house....so I think yes, I am better overall - the darkness is less deep and shorter - and I still get lost as to the way ahead. I feel I have a jug of stress and occasionally it overflows.......this year I'll take out a few long standing 'items' which I'm sure will help. Take care - great discipline on the alarm clock......:-) Lx

Anonymous Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:57am

"Make it easy on yourself....." That Righteous Brothers song came into my mind after I'd sent my comment! Jul x

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:55pm

Hi Jul - yup great deep powerful song.

Sally Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 9:54am

Sounds to me as if you are perhaps blaming yourself j? It's February, everyone feels a bit low in February. Hope it will pass. Meanwhile, big hugs. Your welfare matters to us. You give so much to us all out there. Xxx

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:56pm

Hi Sally - For sure there is a fair bit of self blame in there.......which I never had for the first 36 years of my life. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves!

Leah Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 10:38am

Les,
A powerful poem."my soul is bleeding" "I can only keep on moving" are two moving and helpful lines. I hope writing the poem has helped a little.

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:58pm

Hi Leah - getting the words out there always lets me know where my mind is - I simply start with a line and out if falls....rarely a word changed. Thanks for that thought.

Norman Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 10:47am

Les,

I woke at 5 this morning and there was no sign of sleep so I looked for the daily blog. It caused me to think so much I fell back asleep! Thanks for the extra four hours.

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:01pm

You obviously needed the extra four hours! Congrats Norman on the 42 days...and counting and yesterday's responses x x x

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:59pm

Hi Norman - WOW - appreciate that input....that brought a smile and so many other thoughts.....cheers

susan Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 10:55am

Dear Les, you have explained so many times that loss has nothing to do with your depression. You always said that the cause was spiritual. Given the truth of those two things, can it be that you have forgotten your connection to the source? It happens. Forgive me for being presumptuous but I don't know what else to say. You're hurting and I'm sorry to know that. It will shift. Take good care of yourself. xx

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 1:02pm

Hi Susan - interesting comment....no need for forgiveness....its how you thoughts went and your intent is true. No true compassionate intent ever requires forgiveness. Two people could say exactly the same thing, in the same tone - and yet one will 'upset' and the other will be showing compassion......intent is all.

Hopeful One Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 1:31pm

Hi Les.- losing a partner through divorce is a mega loss in my books!. But what a poem. You are a poet and so are able to express your thoughts and feelings so eloquently. If it's any help I often get a 'morning dip,' I gather it's part of depression. I just say to myself ' It's just my morning dip'. Curiously doing this counter intuitive thing I find I am ready to face whatever is coming next. Then I look for a laugh which ALWAYS helps. This was today's A guy goes to the doctor complaining of his diminishing libido. The doctor advices him to run 10 miles a day. The doctor phones him 10 days later to find out how he is doing. The guy says ' I don't know cos I am 100 miles away from my wife' Admittedly not my best but you see what I mean?

Anonymous Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 11:30am

Dear Les, So sorry for your horrid feelings at the moment, when you only see the blackness. I remember hearing some years ago a WWW1 nurse saying there was a soldier who was very badly injured and blind, she felt so dreadfully sorry for him, and many times because he was in so much pain and they couldn't do much for him then, she hoped he would slip away peacefully. One morning she went into his room, she said good morning how are you today, he said Oh! I feel good I can smell the flowers and feel the sun on my face it's good to be alive, it must be spring, yes it was the first day, she said she felt so humble. Perhaps out of all your sorrow Les you can feel just one thing today to start you back on course. Bless you for writing your heartfelt poem.

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 1:08pm

Hi Anon - You are absolutely correct. When those of us who wish to be liked and loved for whatever reason, receive the 'gift' of appreciation it can start a new path. Our real strength comes of course from not minding how people feel about us - as we know we are aligned within ourselves and doing the best we can with what we've got - while doing what we know keeps us healthy, which may mean saying no to others needs or desires. I.e. I love myself enough to know that looking after myself is not selfish. As I said above - we can only love others to the exact degree we love ourselves. Helping others from a 'need' to help - weakens others.

Dee Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 11:42am

Thanks for your honesty, I am forcing myself to get up and do something every hour, even if it seems insignificant it isn't as I can acknowledge I have 'done' something. The battle seems to be my will against my negativity and it is exhausting, catch 22, but just achieving one thing every hour makes me acknowledge I am trying, fighting and determined, keep writing - your poem rang true, thank you.

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:04pm

Wow, Dee, one thing every hour...that's resilience for sure...well done and keep it up...btw....I have a pile of ironing here...if you nip over and do one piece every hour, you'll have it all done today for me!! Bear hug x

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 1:10pm

Hi Dee - Great....that ongoing sense of achievement usually slowly lifts the 'weight' and hope slides in from behind the door. Thanks also for saying the poem rang true - I write in the hope that others can 'feel'.

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:39pm

'I'm so creative and can make connections well'....you are and you do here on Moodscope, Les, remember two of your most important qualities when you are as low as this and use them to connect to a writing group?? Somewhere else where your writing creativity can be recognised, and maybe you can meet up and connect with new peeps in a group like that? Also, am sad you lost your daughter through divorce, I take it....is there no chance of reconciliation with her? Can you send her one of your poems to let her see how much you miss her in your life? Just a thought...not meaning to pry.
Love
Bear x

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 1:13pm

Hi Bear - Appreciated.....I am waiting in hope till she leaves her mother's influence - I usually get a one line email from her each year on the date we parted - I know she still hurts - its next week.....8 years on....and I always respond and hear nothing. Lx

Lexi Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 12:51pm

Hi Les, Today is my birthday.A year ago your words would have expressed my mood perfectly. I was recently separated,it was February in the midwest in the states,I was getting older, struggling with my soul, wondering why I hadn't "figured it out" at 46. I am so blessed to have found this blog and a wonderful therapist who truly showed me that it's all about learning to love myself and to give myself a break. Somewhere I stopped loving myself. Well, I know it happened at 7 years old. Through therapy, meditation, running, lots of bravery and just allowing myself to feel, I was able to start feeling again, and start to love myself again. I couldn't see the changes but I was looking for big ones and my lovely therapist reminded me of all the small ones I was making. It was all little steps. I felt like I was shuffling, barely making any moves at all, but here I am, a year later. I'm still separated, but I am happy. I haven't had a major depression in about a year. I have had lots of struggles, but something shifted. I no longer blame myself, hurt myself, blame others. I learned to let go and see so much as just thoughts, energy, nothing permanent. I take everything day by day, but today I am happy. And I hope the same for you. Because you are so worth it Les. We all are.
PS I also got a dog last year. Cause my 7 year old self would have loved that :)

Les Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 1:34pm

Hi Lexi - FABULOUS........you encapsulate so much in a small space - powerful. SO much truth in there....and aligned with what I say above about the amount we love ourselves. That could have been a blog on its own......so much wisdom. Also so uplifting that you are showing people you can get through it....and for sure.....that unconditionally loving dog...brought a smile to my face. Make sure you let the therapist know how much you appreciate them....we often think it but don't say it.....although my guess is you have. Lovely stuff......your inner child will be SO happy.

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 9:38pm

Hippo birdie, Lexi!! Many hoppy returns!! Bear x

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 9:39pm

...also, Lexi...I have a picture of you and your dawg having a good romp and a play time together, then lots of cuddles...pets are so wonderful and give so much :) x x x

Lexi Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 11:03pm

Thank you Bear! I love that Sandra Boynton card - my best and friend and I have been saying hippo birdie to each other for 26 years!

Lexi Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 11:36pm

Les - I tell my therapist all the time that she saved my life :) She keeps telling me that I did the work. That may be true, but she lead the way and lit the path. And this blog community constantly reminds me that I"m not alone in fighting the good fight.

The Gardener Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 8:39pm

Hi Les - so sorry you're feeling so down - dig deep and find something to be 'glad' about, like that goody-goody Polyanna. You obviously can't go down memory lane at the moment. I had a good day - but only by drawing on all my forces. Invited to lunch - first for ages (Mr TG not an easy guest). This morning, his usual opening 'I must warn you, I'm dizzy, can't possibly go out'. Doc said give him a sedative when he does this - because he really is scared although all the guests were good friends - I did, we went. Food delicious, conversation lively. Then the 'fidgets' start, table to armchair, then near the fire, back again - people leap to help. Then 'when are we going home' - no need at all, but my resistance had gone, Mr TG particularly nasty whole evening. Never mind, I had my treat - any moment of pleasure or joy is to be savoured. I, too , have an estranged daughter - it hurts all the time - all you can do is keep telling them they are loved and you are always there - even if you get abuse in reply.

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 9:41pm

Les, I agree with TG....keep telling your daughter how things are and how much you love and care about her. She will be able to make her own mind up sooner or later...lets hope sooner x

LillyPet Sun, Feb 7th 2016 @ 9:32pm

Hi Les,
You've expressed your thoughts and feelings so beautifully. Thank you for sharing them. I'm glad you have a way of keeping things moving. You may think and feel that your spirit has gone at this point in your life, but that doesnt mean that it has. It's great that you can express it all so creatively. LPxx

You must login to leave a comment.

What is Moodscope?

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

Blog Archive

Disclaimer

Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.