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Getting up and Moving. Thursday May 7, 2015

Well today I am in London, seeing my son. Something I would never be able to do if I was depressed and yet it is the very thing that I should be doing no matter what.

It gets me up.
It gets me out.
I have to communicate with others.

I see that there is so much in the world outside my small little safe world that I would hide in, if I was depressed. I will momentarily feel outside myself and thus forget I am depressed – adding light into darkness. I visit places that have changed and moved on e.g. London Kings X station. Life forever changes and intellectually I KNOW I will become human again – to see physical things that change, assists that deeper sense of ongoing change.

When I used to be depressed and even suicidal, I would still do the work that I had committed to doing. It would NOT be easy. I might even have cried behind the scenes, certainly not slept, even thought of suicide, yet for those hours where I am 'on stage' my darkness would be lightened, I would forget my pain while focussing on others.

I believe that much of our recovery is started because we WANT TO recover. Now, that may seem harsh to many and maybe our mind needs to keep us in a neutralised state while we overcome grief? Not loss, despair or sadness - deep grief, where we need to re-adjust.

For me though, I know if I have the courage to keep going out, to keep stepping into fear, to make human contact, to keep working, I will emerge into humanity again.

I also realise there are many other types of mental health issues. I however, only know depression and thus cannot 'see' the blocks and bridges for others.

It can be all too easy to stay 'depressed' and even avoid what is causing our angst – as when there – we can use it as an excuse - a very good excuse, backed up with GP prescriptions.

Now – that para above may have angered some of you and if it did, why is that? Is your subconscious telling you something? Others, who maybe have been courageous in the past or who clearly know it is a chemical thing, will simply let my words wash by. If you did become attached, ask yourself why – as your subconscious knows far more than you do!

As Churchill once said and maybe he said it with the 'black dog' in mind, the inner war as well as the outer war – 'Courage is the start of all change'.

A Moodscope member.

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Rupert Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 8:29am

Les I agree with you. In a way having a commitment that you "cannot" avoid such as going in to work on a daily basis makes you face up to things and get on with it as you have no choice, whether you like it or not. It does expose you to those who are or appear to be maintaining a "normal" life which can help put things into some perspective. I appreciate that this may not apply to all though! Rupert

Anonymous Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 8:47am

Morning Rupert!

"...those who ... appear to be maintaining a normal life" ...
So true; I find it helpful to remember that I must not compare my inside with other people's outsides - as I am not comparing like with like!

Challenging as ever Les; another layer of the onion peels away ...
Thank-you (I think!)


Mary Blackhurst Hill Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 11:45am

Very challenging Les! I am one of the chemical people (does that make me a chemi-head?), so I know it comes, it stays as long as it stays, it lifts as abruptly as it descended. But - for all of us, there are things that have to be faced and dealt with courageously because it they are not faced and dealt with, then they fester and provide a nourishing habitat for that next depression to thrive, So thank you again, I have an issue with a friendship group to which I have to attend. Just off to get that sorted now.

Anonymous Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 2:07pm

Hi Les, i completely agree with you that much of our recovery starts with wanting to be well. And the wanting needs to be accompanied by the belief that it will happen...somehow, sometime, somewhere. It would be good to know what ignites that first spark of wanting and believing. I'd also like to know where courage comes from in the first place. Thanks for all your thoughts. susan xx

Anonymous Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 6:07pm

Sorry me duck but I were to read this when feeling properly depressed it would make me feel worse. Of course it reflects how you feel whilst in recovery, but tbh not sure that moodscope made the best choice is posting this.

Anonymous Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 9:57pm

Hello 6.07pm, 'me duck' made me smile, what a lovely endearment :-)
For me, I liked reading the post for a few reasons but one of the main ones is that I like following others stories and their ups and downs. Rejoice when they're winning and hopefully soothe or at least hear them when they're bashed. I think the blog spot is open for all least I hope so because it wasn't so far back I posted utter grimness on here! I hope that, aside from me getting it out (which helped hugely), it also helps others in any way to feel less alone. Love from the room above the garage x.

Anonymous Thu, May 7th 2015 @ 10:01pm

How much I love the words 'I must not compare my insides with other people's outsides'!!! Thank you v much. That's a whole new firework of thought for me. Brilliant! Love ratg x.

Anonymous Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 7:23am

I am going through grief currently, as some of you know having just lost my dad, and I am doing pretty much what Les suggests. Trying to get on with a fairly normal routine which means I have to interact with people even when I would rather not exist for the time being. I know time will change things, and the momentary lifts from interaction help either to divert, or to remind that there will be happiness's hard to make yourself do it sometimes though. Eve

Les Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 7:52am

Hi Anon 0723

Great that you could comment...........under your trying times.

Not to step into discomfort can so easily deepen the darkness as you withdraw even further.

You even say you 'know' time will change things - focus on that feeling, which in itself can be challenging - it is however your future.

For sure it is hard........there is however no short cut to anywhere worth going.

Keep stepping...................

Les Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 8:00am

Hi Anon - 'me duck'

Good to hear from you and your own opinion.

If Moodscope or any 'owner' decided to ensure that everything they print was accepted or not at times would in my mind be neutered and certainly not a reflection of the reality for some or even many of us.

When I have been depressed and suicidal I would often be unable to even read things let alone write them........for me however I would still want to hear how people moved through or out of depression to give me some hope.....even although I KNOW it will lift.

The beauty of Moodscope is the really diverse blogs and to create a 'safety' layer for me, would not be in the overall interests of people who struggle with and seek ways to improve their lives.

It would dare I say be 'ducking' the issue.

In life you have to be comfortable with discomfort......or there is no growth, change or continually developing life.

Les Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 8:02am

Thanks Rupert

For your thoughtful comment.

Les Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 8:05am

Hi Mary

Thanks for your comment and I hope the friendship group went well.

Festering 'for the next depression to thrive' is SO true......

Les Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 8:11am

Hi Susan

Aye......each of us could write what ignited that 'shift' back to life and each one of us would I'm sure offer their own unique 'answer'.

For me, in the past, it has been a conversation with someone who wants me to do some work for them.......I feel wanted......and that seems to flick a switch when I feel so useless and empty. It probably gives me a spark of self belief that I have a future.

The courage is and always has been inside you.

The only real journey is the one 'in'.....inscaping not escaping.

I often say depression for me is about self hate.........

Anonymous Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 10:33am

Is your subconscious telling you something ....... Yes that's a very insensitive attitude on this site, next time your depressed Les remember what you wrote because your own advice that you give out doesn't seem to work for you. That may sound harsh but so do you.

Les Fri, May 8th 2015 @ 11:45am

It is not what we read but our own attitude to it............

I know my subconscious tells me a lot.........

When we get upset inside we point outside!

Fancy offering anyone to become depressed again....

Your words say more about you than they do about my view of course.

I hope your day improves and I only sound harsh....because you allow me to.

"The meaning of things lies not in the things themselves, but in our attitude towards them." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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