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Can't sleep. Sunday February 19, 2017

Can't sleep. Not unusual at all since I got the news about my brother passing. I feel so tired, I think I'm going to be able sleep then I can't. Then the tiredness is like a vicious circle and I feel worse.

I'm not sure how to grieve, if there is a wrong way or a right way? Knowing it is better for him doesn't make it feel better for me.

Some days I can pretend it's not happened. Like on Christmas Day so the kids could have a great time, and even New Year when there was a good reason not to sleep and I felt almost happy and positive and ready to make changes. But resuming work felt meaningless and like wading through mud. All my passion was gone. And I'm missing my humour as I rely on my humour so much, for so many things, including to hide my insecurities.

My Mum taught me to always find humour in everything, I miss her so much, the Mum she was. She is blissfully unaware, as she has forgotten already, but she kept asking for my brother when I stayed with her on Boxing Day. I felt so angry at the world at that point. I guess it's down to Time. And right now I'm staring at the clock on the wall, Time is driving me nuts.

No need to reply. I just needed a very safe place to voice this without feeling like I'm burdening anyone. I feel indulgent talking about it but I know I can trust you. Hopefully now I can sleep. I know I will feel better again.

Possibly even in the morning.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Leah Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 5:30am

Sending you a big hug.
I can't sleep but I have no excuse.
Were you a good sleeper before your brother died?
You have written so honestly what many people feel but can't express.
I think as was discussed in a recent blog- there is no right way to grieve.
I hope writing here has helped you, I know it has helped me.
Your blog touched me by its honesty.

Hopeful One Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 7:25am

Hi Jane- cyber hugs from me too at a difficult time in your life.As Leah says there is no right or wrong way to grieve.But by putting your thoughts and feelings on paper and sharing them with us will without doubt help that healing process. Be kind to yourself and patient for all wounds heal by degrees. Keep that sense of humour alive too.

At one level this joke may sound insensitive( and the Squadron will take the flak) but if one has a sense of humour.....

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on a Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realising we were getting old, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells rang. It was just the right rhythm. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and then continued, "He'd be still alive today but they replaced the bell ringer with a faster computer.'

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:36pm

Thank you HO. My humour is coming back slowly, especially on the days when I have had more sleep. I love the joke! Made me smile xx

Dragonfly Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:07am

Dear Jane you are far from indulgent in needing to talk about the loss of your brother. Grief is a tumultuous journey which you dont have to take alone. I hope writing this has helped you a little and that sleep will come x

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:38pm

Thank you so much Dragonfly. Writing this did help a lot. The night I wrote it I sent it to someone close to me and then fell asleep immediately! Which I could do that every night! Xx

Amy Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:16am

Dear Jane, the loss of your Brother is enormous if you shared a close relationship . Childhood through until now, an album of memories, experiences and emotions.
I am glad you have shared with the Blog. This is my first time to do so, it is all about trust .
I hope you find peace and sleep when you need it. Thankful your Mum does not recall. Have a lovely day with your Family.

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:40pm

Dear Amy, I'm so pleased you felt you comment and you are right, it is about trust. Having a safe place to write from the heart, and to receive such a warm response, is very special and a big help. Xx

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:41pm

Sorry Amy about the typo. It should read 'felt you could comment' x

Orangeblossom Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:22am

Hi Jane thinking of you at this time of loss & sending you cyber hugs.

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:42pm

Thank you Orangeblossom, you seem such a caring person. I have really appreciated your messages during this time. Sending you a hug right back xx

Nathalie Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:36am

Grief is a totally personal thing for each human, and although we can do the therapy '7 Stages of Grief' etc etc, ultimately it is a case of time...time for one's Heart and Soul to heal. In my personal experience (sudden death of a parent aged 8) the tear in the Heart and Soul never goes or 'heals'. One just learn to live with it. I am SO sorry to hear of your brother's passing, and of your elderly mother's 'forgetting' he has gone (I have experience of that too with elderly relatives who have now passed)...I also suffer from 'Insomnia'I can relate to a second feeling like 20 years, and a minute a Century. I KNOW the depths and swirling clogginess of the 'dark dog mud'. I am taking comfort in the fact that since I have 2 elderly relatives reliant on me (and 1 Godchild & 2 dogs!!!)..that my 'mania' (due to lack of sleep!) is giving me the energy to get everything I need to done. I prefer being 'high' (I hate the word 'manic') and super-functional (I have NO CHOICE in my situation especially in regards to keeping the needs of the young child protected) than on my bed staring blindly at the T.V DESPERATE for time to pass (and for the 'light' at the end of the tunnel). I'm not that witty, my best friend's mother taught her to deal with live by using wit. My family taught me to 'cope' with life using a VERY sharp witty tongue (I'm not talking 'sense of humour' here, I mean sarcastic. biting, harsh Wit). 5 years of psychotherapy taught me how dysfunctional MY wit was. Rehab taught me how dysfunctional my family (Bless them!) IS. The rooms teach me I have a kindered spirits who simply feel too much/see too much/ etc etc and that's why (thankfully for me in my youth) we turned to drugs and alcohol. Having NOTHING to numb the INTENSE pain of a broken heart..or even simply the unfairness of humanity IS VERY VERY difficult. I can not do it alone. I NEED my 'recovery' family...especially when the going gets tough. I do KNOW everything is amplified and Iam hypersensitive ANYWAY let alone on lack of sleep!! I know EVERYTHING seems better "in the morning" or in my case after some sleep. I deal with my 'Insomnia' (which by the way I've had since I was 13) and over guidance to friends of mine that suffer with it as such ' It's like WAR. You have to just take it when you can get it.' in my case it is the same with eating. I have lived on this planet with the diagnosis of bi-polar since the age of 22. I am nearly 40. I have learnt how to make my life work FOR ME. I sleep when I can (siesta in the afternoon if need be) I eat when I can (and rely on techniques learnt whilst on stupids amounts of drugs to survive i.e by drinking 'Nourishment' or 'Purdeys' or any drink with added Vitamins and Minearls). When I do eat (and cooking for others helps me eat) I cook and eat Organic and very healthily. I am ACUTELY aware of what Vitamins and Minerals my body needs. And supplement them if necessary. Ok. Stop. Jane your post REALLY touched me, (I've been on Moodscope for about 7 years I've NEVER responded to before, though I almost ALWAYS relate and have felt to before). I feel your pain your pain, I really do. Sorry for my diatribe (lack of sleep!). One foot in front of the other and BREATHE. Just hang in there babe, even if sometimes it's just for a second at a time. This too shall pass. I am sending you love from 1 human to another and a gentle virtual hug. Be gentle on yourself. Take it as easy as possible. In solidarity, all my love, Nathalie

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:48pm

Wow, Nathalie. I was so touched by this. I cannot imagine the pain you must have experienced at such a young age when you lost one of your parents. It sounds like you have been on an incredible journey, with many highs and lows. I admire you for so much for looking for, and finding, solutions to help with the challenges you have been through. You are absolutely right, everything looks better after sleep. I've tried to stop thinking completely when I'm tired as I know that what I am imagining will most likely be wrong! It's a challenge though. I am so pleased, and very touched, that you took the time to comment today and your words have helped so much. Thank you! I'm sending love and hugs to you also. Take care xx

Sally Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:38am

Hello Jane,
Well done for writing when you are in the grieving process. That in itself is amazing, and brave. I don't know what to say that would help about you not being able to sleep, except that the mind is probably struggling to process ideas and thoughts and so much so that it prevents you from sleeping. Get enough sleep if you can . I tend to nap mid afternoon if I've been sleep deprived and find this helps me....but I know this isn't for everyone, or possible for everyone. I am lucky enough to be retired so my time is my own.
You have had a double blow with "losing" your wonderful mum too. At a time when you really need her love, reassurance and humour. Hold on as you are doing to the immeasurable gifts she gave you and which you have integrated into your personality.

During the time of night you are not able to sleep, you could scribble your blessings on little bits of torn up paper . ( mine are in an empty instant coffee jar ). Then read one or two on subsequent nights. It's amazing how reading a good memory or thing you enjoy transports you back to easier times. Sorry, though, if this sounds too trite at this point in your journey.
Good luck. Enjoyed your blog. Thank you for your honesty.

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:52pm

Hi Sally, thank you so much for your kind words. Thanks for understanding about my Mum. I was very touched that you understood how I feel. It's feels like an ongoing bereavement every time I lose a little bit more of her. And yet there are many moments when she is still Mum, good days and bad days. I miss our daily chats so much. She was my best friend. I love your idea of writing in the night, I will try this idea. Thank you! Xx

Anne Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:41am

Grief sucks :(( so tough.... HUGS!!!! xx

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:52pm

Thank you Anne. Thank you for the hugs xxx

Mary Wednesday Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 8:56am

Everyone grieves differently and for different reasons and different lengths of time.

Mary Wednesday Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 9:07am

Everyone grieves differently and for different reasons and different lengths of time. (Sorry - posted too early). There are many stages of grief and none of them are easy. I am so sorry for your loss. Know our thoughts are with you, and thank you for writing this. You have touched many hearts today.

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 2:53pm

Thank you Mary. Everyone's comments have touched my heart in return. If this has also helped others then that is the best feeling. I do hope it has xx

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 11:17am

Dear all, WOW! I can't describe how blown away I was when I awoke to all these kind, moving and insightful comments this morning. I will be replying to every one of you individually this afternoon but meanwhile I just wanted to say thank you so much. I am so, so touched and reading these, whilst moving me to tears, have also added a bit of sunshine to my day xxx

The Gardener Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 12:14pm

Dear Jane - no answer - just how your 'spirit' copes with it. I feel more for you in that you cannot share with your Mum. I CANNOT get used to Mr G being so uncaring about all the people, so numerous, family and friends, who are in trouble. It's not just he forgets really important events immediately, but that his whole life is introspective. I know others here have gone/are going through the same hell as I have. Now, (I said on Moodscope the other day) I wish I was a scientist and not a wife. We have two 'camps'. The ultra-charitable who say that he is not responsible for his actions, he has been 'subsumed' by his actions. But more and more people - family who spend a few days, or the girls at respite - who say that he knows a LOT of what he's doing - that he's bored stiff, lacks any motivation, but rowing with his wife, ordering her about all day and waking her at night for the slightest thing adds spice to his life. If I TRY to be charitable his dependence on me doubles. Kids have changed from 'poor dad with this tyrannical wife' with 'poor mum, hope she can hold on'. Our GP threatens Mr G roundly, that if he continues his current tyranny I shall end up in a psychiatric unit. Jane, cling to the good times - memory of your mum's humour. I am, sadly, estranged from 5th child. I was tempted to scrub out all the photos - but, no - I am strengthened by the family history which shows endless parties, games, travels, when everybody was happy together. Those times may never come back - but denying they ever existed only twists the knife in the wound. Sleeping, that's another ball game.

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 3:21pm

Dear Gardener, I have read many of your blogs and comments over these past few months and I feel in complete awe of the way you carry on and care for Mr G regardless. Thankfully my Mum is not aggressive, but my Nan was. She had Alzheimer's and I'm not sure how much was down to disease and how much was her personality. I really don't know how you manage day in and day out. I'm really sad to hear you are estranged from your 5th child. That must be very painful. You are right, it is good to remember happier times xx

Rosemary Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 1:12pm

Dear Jane, I really feel for you at this difficult time. The cutting, biting, aching feeling that is Grief is the most difficult thing any of us have to deal with. The one thing that has helped me (and hopefully may help you) is when I was told that we must not strive to 'get back to normal' (as some people say) as we will never know that 'normal' again. Rather we must work our way toward a healing process that leads us to our New Different (I wrote a blog on it earlier this month) With this in mind it allows us to find our new place in a world that has changed forever. When I recently lost both my parents in a matter of just 7 months I didn't think I would ever live again but gradually it is coming and I am settling into my New Different. I hope you too find peace in the fact that things will become less unbearable and your New Different will become a place of quiet calm. x

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 3:27pm

Dear Rosemary, your comment moved me so much. I'm so sorry you lost both of your parents, and within such a short time of each other. I'm glad you are setting into a new different. I really like this concept. Once we had my brother's funeral I thought 'Right, that's it. All over I can go back to normality now.' I realise now that it doesn't quite work that way, and by stuffing the feelings down I have felt quite edgy and been snappy with people. Without even really realising how I was sounding. I have also found it I incredibly difficult to accept my Mum's illness and accept that life really will never be the same. I will strive to live with my 'new different.' Thank you Rosemary. Sending you a hug xx

DAVE Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 5:39pm

Thinking of you Jane and your 'temporary estrangement' as I believe that we'll all be reunited with all loved ones, relatives, friends -

DAVE Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 5:47pm

Thinking of you Jane in your 'temporary Parting', no loss, just separated from the physical body of your brother, as I believe spiritually he'll always be with you, that we'll all be reunited with all our loved ones, relatives, friends and animals. Please read 'A Return to Love', Marianne Williamson..

God bless
Dave X.

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 7:14pm

Thank you Dave. I do feel like he is with me. I will read this, thank you xx

The Gardener Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 6:15pm

Jane, thank you for your kind words, I am really struggling with anger at the moment. Mr G goes two days a week to respite - marvellously organised - aims at keeping as much autonomy as possible - many different activities and outings. The staff, all our morning nurses and our doctor din into me that I must be 'tough'. The more I do for Mr G the more dependent he becomes - if I won't find his sweater (he sheds clothes everywhere) he will swear at me - I say 'stay cold, then'. Worse is a friend's husband - she is dreadfully unwell, he is totally deaf and bloody-minded with it. He can read, drive, do cross-words. But he will NOT use any modern methods of communication. When there I say, through her (lip-reading as interpretation) that I am a very fast typist - he can talk to me, I reply on screen - we used to have such sparky conversations, but he won't have it - and won't touch e-mails, although through his work he became very computer literate. They loved holidaying in Greece - not reason not to go - but he won't stir - her life is much tougher than mine. Must see if 'new different' will apply to me in any way. If only my deaf friend would do Moodscope!

Jane Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 7:20pm

What a shame to miss out on good conversation and holidays. There is always someone worse off than ourselves. This doesn't undermine what we go through though and I do think you are incredible in what you do and deal with. Xx

LP Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 9:37pm

Hi Jane,
I really connected with your writing it out in the middle of the night, a bit of release to allow your mind to rest a bit. It's good when someone shares thoughts and feelings just for the sake of expressing them, an important part of Moodscope blogs that I've hesitated to put forward, maybe something to do with how I express strong feelings. You've done so really effectively, which is inspiring. And you're right about being in a safe place here.
Wishing you peace. LPxx

Dragonfly Sun, Feb 19th 2017 @ 10:24pm

Dear LP you make such a valid point. It's seemingly been hugely beneficial for Jane to have expressed her grief in a safe and trusted place. I often feel that I have to write a blog which inspires or advises and am mostly at a loss how to do so. I realise now this doesn't necessarily have to be the case as so many have responded to Jane in such kind, thoughtful and supportive ways x

LP Mon, Feb 20th 2017 @ 9:01am

Thanks Df :) xx

Jane Mon, Feb 20th 2017 @ 1:10pm

Thank you LP and Dragonfly. I really do think you can safely use Moodscope to express how you feel. The support has been amazing and so uplifting xx

Nicco Mon, Feb 20th 2017 @ 12:48pm

Insomnia's not easy to deal wit at the best of times but even harder during tough times. Grief is different for everyone - there's no right or wrong way, and it's far better to express your thoughts and feelings than keep them bottled up. I lost my brother and mother in fairly quick succession of each other and felt embarrassed at bursting into tears at the slightest thing - to the extent that I ended up not leaving the house. But friends were very understanding and I felt it was much better to go out and be with other people, even if my grief spilled over while out with them. Anyway, I'm thinking of you and wishing you better and brighter times ahead. x

Jane Mon, Feb 20th 2017 @ 1:12pm

Thank you Nicco. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of both your Mum and brother and so close together. I understand the need to burst into tears. I feel weepy most mornings. I'm so glad you had supportive friends to help you through. Thank you for your kind words xx

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