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Can not judging others make it easier to not judge ourselves? Saturday April 18, 2015

Some of us really believe we are worthless, useless or a failure as a person. These beliefs can be so deeply held that nothing seems to shift them. Often, we are so judgemental on ourselves that this habit can spill over so that we become judgemental on other people and events.

One way of counteracting this is to completely change the habit and give up being judgemental altogether. Like an alcoholic giving up alcohol - it can be done with a great deal of willpower and commitment.

Learning to stop evaluating people as right or wrong, good or bad is hard. But remember we don't have enough information and people are doing what they consider to be their best choice of behaviour available, according to their own circumstances, needs and values at the time.

Ironically, if we work on not judging others, we will be kinder to ourselves as well. Over time this will change our negative beliefs about ourselves.

The Moodscope team.

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Hopeful One Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 6:59am

Hi Adrian- Thanks for the reminder .Couldn't agree with you more. .When we start observing the judgments we make rather than interacting with them we then start noticing how many of them tend to be negative both about ourselves and others.One of the other by products of adopting this attitude is that we increasingly start living in the moment because the other aspect of our judgements is that many of them involve events in the past or the future.

Anonymous Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 7:20am

Thiss is so wrong. Being an alcoholic cannot be conquered by will power and commitment. If it could I and millions of others would not be in the place we find ourselves to-day. if it could there would be no AA, there would be no Rehab Centres, there would be no Addiction Counsellors. Being judgemental is not good and indeed is a characterisitic of the majority of alcoholics but do not mix up the 2 things. People like Adrian should make sure of their facts before making ignorant and offensive comments like this.

Anonymous Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 7:35am

I conquered my gruesome relationship with alcohol by will power and commitment. I didn't seek outside help because of my deep shame. I wasn't at the extreme end of the scale but even with rehab centres and counsellors...the sufferer still has to provide the will power and commitment, nothing can happen without it. The same as with mental health treatments. My mental health is getting it next even if it takes me til my dying day. Keep fighting it, you will set yourself free, love from the room above the garage x.

crafty wee midden Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 8:27am

Thank you....I was judged and abused by people who had no knowledge of the actual situation, or background, or depth, or detail, and the person concerned was a very close family member, who had a lot of problems, could/would not see or accept them, and was extremely manipulative. I had to cut myself off completely, and endured years of abuse from various sources and in various ways, by people who knew only the surface. It was dreadful. One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

Secondly- and to be clear, this has nothing to do with the above situation: not related - as soon as I saw the word 'willpower' I thought, long till you get a reply like the one from the first Anonymous .....didn't have to wait long :)

To be clear: I have been on BOTH side of that particular fence.

In AA, 16 years( yes, sober). While it helped me at first, it soon became .....unhelpful. And I was caught and for various reasons(partly because I was and still am a very vulnerable, damaged person, and there are those who are eager to take advantage of that, in very subtle ways)

I left, due to circumstances outwith my control. And was terrified of "missing a meeting".....but soon realised exactly how much I had needed to leave, and should have, long before. There was a long time spent trying to recover from the damage done.....there are some very strong personalities who are extremely quick to judge, and control.

(And back then, in the early days, I would have reacted just the way "first anonymous"did. One does not question.....)

So, I do understand *why* first Anonymous felt the need to do that. In my view, it's fear-related. However....there was no need for the rudeness, to you, Adrian.....

You were neither ignorant nor offensive(first anonymous, you should know the saying about "point the finger and three are pointing back at you"....and various others)

Adrian, you were speaking for yourself, about yourself. And you helped me, and I thank you for that.

As you said:
"remember we don't have enough information and people are doing what they consider to be their best choice of behaviour available, according to their own circumstances, needs and values at the time"

I could not have put it better.

As I say, I've seen it from both sides.

Anonymous Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 10:30am

Yes, that sentence "remember we don't have enough information... " was very helpful to me. I have learnt to accept that people are who they are because of what they live. If they knew what we as a family have been through, they wouldn't envy us our comfortable living. As soon as I open my mouth, people make assumptions, but nothing could be further from their minds than our world. Be kind, always , is a good maxim I think.

crafty wee midden Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 10:38am

im right with you. im in the process of realising that there are some things which i can only attend to in my own way. PTSD is one. a lifetime of traumas, different kinds, some devastating, some smaller, but a whole mess of assorted crapola..... having lost the only person who ever knew and understood me a few months ago, and stood by me, the added pain of the loss of my soulmate is overwhelming. keep fighting, my in your corner.

Anonymous Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 12:26pm

Hi Adrian. I love your post. It seems too easy for some of us to loathe ourselves for not being perfect. I don't know if this is an existential problem or something learned or transferred in childhood or a bitter disappointment in the way life has not met expectations...dunno....but in any case, it makes life very difficult. Life is difficult enough without that!! And if unhappy with ourselves, it is so easy to take it out or project it onto others without realizing that's what we're doing. Conscious awareness is the only thing that can stop this -- at least in my experience. If we can catch ourselves being judgmental towards someone else, it's the first step in a growing acceptance of our own selves. You are so right -- we judge without knowing where the other person is coming from. It doesn't mean we have to love everyone or want to be their friend, but keeping the judgment out of it frees us to be more compassionate towards ourselves. So THANK YOU so much for the reminder -- a wonderful thought for the day and every day going forward. It is so easy to forget this. susan

Anonymous Sat, Apr 18th 2015 @ 3:00pm

Anonymous, i'm sorry you are angry and struggling with addiction. My heart goes out to you. Keep believing that one day you will beat it, no matter what it takes. We all have our own roads to travel. Adrian's post was not ignorant nor was it meant to offend. It just didn't resonate with you. All the best.

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