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February


Blowing a fuse. Sunday February 5, 2017

On 8th August 2012 I blew my fuse again. I gleaned this terminology from a book by Dr. Timothy Cantopher called Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong. He believes that although depression can be triggered by events and psychological factors, depression is essentially a chemical imbalance and this 'fuse' is our brain transmitter chemicals. If you put 18 amps through a 13 amp fuse there is only one possible result. He contends that by realising that mental health is a physical illness it allows the sufferer to take the rest needed and to stop fighting it.

Whether you believe his theory is not important, but believing that mental health is just as physical as a temporary thing like a broken leg or a lifetime illness like diabetes was my eureka moment and turned my thinking around.

It didn't mean I gave up by feeling that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't help it, but rather it empowered me to accept that my depression was part of me and whether it was temporary or permanent it was OK.

I believe that there are events in my past that have triggered my depression, but although they are important, they are not. That might sound a contradiction, but I cannot change those events, but I can try to change the way they control me. I spent close to forty years battling with past events that were not my fault and even if they were, what did that achieve... a fairly regular cycle of breakdowns triggered by those extra 5 amps?

I am not saying I don't relive those events, nor am I saying that I ignore them, as I don't. They still have a nasty habit of creeping up on me unexpectedly. What I try to do is to take a step back and give myself the compassion I would give someone else in my position. I feel I am good at helping other people to be understanding of themselves, so why should I not extend that compassion to myself?

I am not sure if anyone on Moodscope has already said this, but in the words of the late, great Whitney Houston "Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all".

Gill
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Orangeblossom Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 7:30am

Thanks very much for the blog. This has sparked off fresh thoughts which will, I hope produce a good, positive outcome. Life is full-on at the moment, but am learning to take a day at a time. A lesson I need to keep on learning.

DAVE Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 8:51am

Dave
TESTING,
Back soon

Mary Wednesday Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 8:56am

Standing by.....

DAVE Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 6:13pm

You put a large smile across my face with the shortest reply of all Mary, so hope the 23 minute wait didn't disappoint. Your positive acceptance of BP is very refreshing, and our group attendees are also a bit negative...Feeling numb emotionally when in low BP is normal ! DaveX

Jul Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 8:57am

Hello Gill. This is very interesting and I am trying to consider its implications for my depression/ anxiety/insomnia. I am glad this Eureka moment has helped you I wonder if the depression causes the physical symptoms though. Which comes first, chicken or the egg? As far as I can remember, my depression crept up on my from a fairly early age and nothing was done to stop its insidious nature. If it's a physical thing why doesn't medication work consistently? But then I suppose not all drugs work for cancer patients. Actually I have just re read your blog as I often take out what strikes me personally as significant and quite often that is not the point of the blog. I see now that you are saying the Eureka moment gave you the ability to be kind to yourself and that it has enabled you not to be controlled by the memory of past events. Excellent! Thank you Gill. Julia xx

Mary Wednesday Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 9:02am

Definitely a physical illness. For me anyway. I was at a bipolar meeting last week where the attendees were discussing how you deal with sudden depressions brought about by events. I had nothing to say. When I am well, sad events merely make me ordinarily sad. When I am ill with depression then I can't feel anything. My moods are not related to events, they are entirely chemical. Learning to accept that was the beginning of self acceptance and the journey to find the best way to manage this illness until a cure can be found. Like Whitney I've learned to stop beating myself up! Great blog today, thank you.

DAVE Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 9:19am

Hi Gill,
I have an intermittent problem adding comments, spending sometimes an hour preparing a comment, for it not to go....That's on my IPad.

I believe in your comment that past adversities or issues trigger off depression...That's as far as it goes with me...If I remain thinking negatively about this past event (s), I will not improve, and by the same token if I am confronted by any type of opposition...I have NO option but to resolve all issues, within the workplace, home, friends, or strangers....I do this by ALWAYS doing the right thing through making choice decisions...Ths in itself keeps away ANY Self-Inflicted adversities, and allows me to concentrate upon REAL issues, (NOT of my making), and especially the needs of others.
It is upon this process, that others cannot OFFEND me......Because I DON'T ALLOW them too !
I deal with any problems IMMEDIATELY, (as these things in life WILL pull me down) as I have to have sole control of Mind, Heart and Body. I can enjoy a good laugh, in histerics (Two Rnnies), I stand my ground relentlessly, and NEVER EVER give in.....ONLY if I'm in the wrong, HUMILITY plays a great art of my life, but I am no pushover.

If we 'Blow a fuse' then something tells us we're overloaded and need to learn to say NO occasionally to ourselves and others...In so doing keep a fine balance in sustaining good control over the mind..stated above.

I love positive, uplifting things, music, animals, the beauty and fragrance of flowers, this beautiful world upon which we have been placed....
All we have to do is enjoy our surroundings....Most of which we CAN enhance through the aforementioned...

One step in front of the other, ENJOY the 'NOW' !
God bless.
DaveX

Molly Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 4:32pm

I have had the same problem Dave, have written a reply and it hasn't gone through, very annoying. It might be worth copying it before you press reply and then if it doesn't go through you can paste it back in rather than lose it. I might be wrong but I think the site logs you off after a while, which might cause the problem. Molly x

Rosemary Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 1:49pm

Hi Gill
Your blog resonated deeply with me as I've been reminding myself of late that often the only person I'm not kind to is me! Even when things are dark (and they have been over the past 2 years) I can be kind and empathetic to everyone I meet - apart from the person in the mirror. Past events do I believe shape who we are but how we allow them to affect us 'now' shapes who we become. Living in the here and now is the one most precious gift we can give to ourselves. Rx

Vickie Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 2:21pm

Hi Gill,
Great blog.... makes me hopeful that my current state will pass and I will once again feel like my energetic, positive self. Just need to rest and be kind to myself while I heal. Thanks for reminding me.
Vickie

David Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 4:37pm

Thanks Gill - a great reminder of eternal truths. x

Molly Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 4:38pm

Thank you for your blog Gill, I agree with all of it. Molly x

The Gardener Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 5:32pm

My memories of depression are that it arrived like a summer storm - perhaps a slight change of mood then wham! My first blog, I think, was entitled 'keeping the lid on'. I'm in a different situation - but the emotions, particularly of anger, are the same - I get SO angry, only upsets me, and gets me nowhere. Kindness does not work either with Mr G. Eldest son here last week, after 3 days he, too, was angry - with a person, his Pa, my husband, who wants everything done for him, including permanent attention, but will do nothing for himself, although he can. Having a job to get to grips with Gill's blog, but accepting that depression is 'part of you' is a step forward, and can reduce the guilt, afterwards, that you should a)have seen it coming, b) done something about it and c) you did not mean to hurt people and cause general chaos while 'under the influence' for want of a better cliche.

DAVE Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 5:57pm

Thanks Molly,
That will be very useful, as there have been a few times that I have given up replying after a long time preparing, for it to be lost.
DaveX

Nicco Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 11:07pm

Thank you, Gill - your blog really resonated with me. Also, I know it sounds weird, but although I know I have to be kind to myself, I have never actually thought of having to say 'no' to myself! I've found it v.hard to say 'no' to others but it has become easier over the years. So thank you, Dave.

Maria Sun, Feb 5th 2017 @ 11:17pm

Great blog Gill! "I feel I am good at helping other people to be understanding of themselves, so why should I not extend that compassion to myself?" is a question I often ponder. I would never think of another as cruelly as I can think of myself. Why is it we are often hardest on ourselves?!

LP Mon, Feb 6th 2017 @ 12:02am

Hi Gill,
I really identify with your blog. Especially the extra 5 amps and their nasty habit of creeping up on you!
Thank you for a reminder about self love.
LPx

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