Moodscope's blog



Adult Orphans. Friday November 27, 2015

When my father died about 8 years ago I realised I was an orphan as my mother had died 6 years earlier. I know most people think of an orphan as a young child like Oliver Twist, who has no parents and lives a wretched life.

We are all our parents' children no matter how old we are.

I was grieving so much but people just said my parents, especially my dad had a good innings, (I can't recall the number of times people said that to me,) I was adult and I should really be over the grieving by now.

People would say you look well and I would smile and say yes but I was not ok and I felt life would never be the same. I felt alone, rudderless and looking for direction. I felt no-one understood me.

My brothers said they were coping so I felt there was something wrong with me, until I found an interesting article about adult orphans.

The article acknowldeges that the adult orphans are the forgotten grievers and are supposed to grieve a little then get back to their lives as they are adults and their parents lived a long life.

I found myself nodding with every word.

The death of your parents is one of adult life's most significant rites of passage. Our community acknowldeges the loss and grief that young children experience when their parents die, however adults are expected to be very different, coping with the grief of the death of the people that raised them from birth and whom they have known for many decades.

No matter what our age humans have a need for unconditional love to be guided, and a soft place to land, that parents offer.

Once I felt my grief had been acknowledged, it didn't take my feeling of loss away, but I felt I could understand my feelings and stop feeling I had to apologise.

I realised that because my parents had been in my life for nearly 50 years, it would take me more than a few weeks to work out how to live with out them and plan a new way of defining myself. I was no longer some one's daughter. In my family I was now the older generation and was reminded of my mortality when my son, a few months, after his grandfather's funeral, wanted to know about my own funeral plans!

Some days I felt I was warpped tightly in a sadness shawl and at my daughter's suggestion, I started writing to my dad on the computer. In the first few months was writing every few days, sometimes daily.

This helped me because I was thinking about him all the time it helped me to express my thoughts.

If you know someone whose elderly parents have died, try to acknowledge the grief he/she is feeling, offer understanding and be willing to listen.

If you are an adult orphan be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, tell people you trust how you feel and start to navigate your way in a different world.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Barbara Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 6:05am

Hello Leah. Goodbye Mary.

LillyPet Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:29am

Hi Barbara! Here here! Saw that spam late last night and wished it could be removed! So glad that it has! :) x

Mary Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:23am

Mary (UK Moodscope version here), Saw this (having not seen the spam) and panicked - thinking I had upset you Barbara! Have now seen the spam. Thank you Caroline for removing.

g Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:22am

what spam?

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:42pm

g there was a long spam earlier in morning from a mary from usa. You did not miss anything as luckily it was deleted.

the room above the garage Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 6:19am

Hello Leah, what a beautiful blog. So interesting too. I thoroughly agree with everything you've described. I still have my parents and I dread the day... Whilst I don't yet know the feeling of adult orphan, I understand the attitude of 'they've had a good innings'. I lost my granny age 85 and could have screamed at the way her life was dismissed because of that number. We we're fractured as a family and two years on its only just beginning to form a new normal. Thank you for writing this down so beautifully, you've expressed it so well xx.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:20am

RATG Thanks for your kind words.Unresolved grief is often behind family feuds. I hope your family is well on the way to mending itself. I appreciate your comments.

the room above the garage Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:17am

Sorry, I've misled you. We didn't fall out, I just meant we felt broken and yet so many others seemed to think we'd be fine because she was old and therefore it would be expected and accepted to lose her. As a family, it was a almost a great thing...we pulled together very much and that was one wonderful thing to come out of it.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:45pm

RATG thanks for explaining that, does not take much for my wee brain to get confused!! I understand. A friend whose mother lived to be 98 was tired of people telling her her mum had a good long life. So she said well I have known her for over 70 years so of course I will miss her a lot. Like with depression, sometimes other people's comments are not at all helpful!

the room above the garage Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 6:21am

We're = were, autocorrected!

LillyPet Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:31am

Lol :) xxx

g Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:24am

anonymous lurking in the shadows?

Sally Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:09am

How very apt today's blog. The subject is close to my heart as my mother-in- law is dying and may not make Christmas, and I lost my own father three years ago, who was a monumental presence in our lives...not all for the good ,alas. What you say is true, unacknowledged grief by the public at large is hard to deal with, especially as we are all soooo busy these days. But the feelings do not go away, however we busy ourselves, and at some point resurge stronger if they are repressed. Our society does not like to think of death too much, hence the "let's talk of something more cheerful " attitude to the question if feelings get raw...
Thank you for airing this so well, Leah.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:23am

Sally thanks for your comment. I think unlike some cultures we don't have a ritual for grieving so we get confused when other people are getting on with their lives but we feel so lost.I think we feel uncomfortable talking about grief and loss so it seems easier as you say to talk about cheerful topics.

the room above the garage Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:24am

Sally, just wanted to send you my love and good wishes. It was in the lead up to Christmas when we lost my granny and the contrast of losing someone at a time when the world is lighting up was quite something...good and bad. I'll be thinking of you.

Christine Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:37am

Leah what an interesting blog, I still have both my parents, they are in their eighties, and I too dread the time when I loose them, I am very close to both of them, I don't know how I will cope, perhaps I wont, I agree with all that you wrote and thanks for you thoughts, Christine

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:14am

Christine, Thanks for your comments. I am sure you treasure every moment you have with them now, and don't worry about the future. I think everyone experiences grief differently.

Debs Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:45am

Beautiful blog Leah, you write so eloquently. I agree that anything difficult to talk about gets brushed under the carpet in our society with such damaging consequences. Its time we started to speak up, ask people how they are and be prepared to listen. Really listen. With empathy and love. xxx

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:15am

Debs Thanks for your positive words. I agree listen well and not censor people's emotions.

LillyPet Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:39am

Hi Leah, thank you for bringing hope to what so many of us are fearful of. I loved your daughters Idea of writing to your dad. It's a concrete way of dealing with your emotions and over time seeing the grief change. It also helps in focussing on the love, rather the pain.
Thanks again. Morning hugs and good wishes to all. LP xxx

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:03am

Thanks Lilypet. My daughter writes a card each ear to her grandparents on their birthdays saying what she has done in the last year. That suited her. I just wrote on the computer and it helped me.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:46pm

each year, Leah queen of typos!!

LillyPet Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:04pm


LillyPet Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:55am

It's also a really good point about having pain as an adult that feels like you shouldn't still be feeling. I found myself searching the internet to see if there was such a thing as adult attachment disorder, as I am convinced that because I had no maternal emotional warmth, it is why I could get "clingy" and "needy" ( I really dont like those words, they are horrible lables that I've battled with). Thank goodness I have got through the associated loss and rejection in relationships that weren't good for me anyway! I have learnt alot and am in a better place now, but it seems that there is always the potential. I guess there would be no insecurity in a relationship that was right. Am not wanting to stray off the subject of adult orphans, it just reminds me how much my experiences felt like what I imagine grief to be like and the early childhood links. LP xx

the room above the garage Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:30am

I'm fascinated by nature/nurture. I so wonder whether you are brim full of maternal warmth because it was not nurtured and therefore you developed, and give, what you needed or whether it is your nature. Probably an endless conversation...

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:07am

Lilypet I think you make an interesting point. People can grieve the end of a relationship or the loss of one. I think grieving the lack of maternal warmth would need to take time.

LillyPet Sat, Nov 28th 2015 @ 12:12am

Yes, 50 years is a long time! It underlies the depression and anxiety and also resurfaces feeling like grief with the loss of a relationship. It's about acceptance I guess. LP xx

Mary Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:27am

Spot on Leah. I am still grieving for my uncle who died two and a half years ago (I still choke up when I talk about him) and as my in-laws are now in their late eighties we know that we have not long left with them. It's scary. Even in our fifties we feel unready to be the head of the family without their supportive presence.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:10am

Thanks.It is so true Mary. I am not ready to be the elder in my family. I still crave a parent's guidance and unconditional love.

the room above the garage Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:35am

I've injured my body and I'm in pain and hobbling...many couch visits will happen today. I'm just letting you all know so you can count on me to be around and help with any questions at how to boil an egg, how to unblock a toilet, whether to wear the scarf or just the hat, how many cups of tea are appropriate in an hour...that kind of stuff. As you were :-)

Paul Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:12am

Great blog to day as it happens I am going to a funeral today a customer come friend. Most of my customers are friends. Poor Brian used to be an undertaker himself. To unblock a toilet a traditional mop is usually all it takes just use it as a plunger. You may have to replace the mop but cheap to replace. Paul

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:12am

RATG you poor thing. Can you tell me the meaning of life while you boil and egg?

Norman Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:02am

ratg: at what age is it ok to wear purple...

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:07am

Norman, I am planning to wear the purple from age 70, like the poem. I will wear only purple so it makes choosing clothes easier!! I wear it now but not every day!!By the way, liked your blog yesterday well done.

susan Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:25am

Hi ratg...maybe your incapacity will mean you can't fuss too much about doing 'c' stuff for the next two weeks?! But still, so annoying. Keep icing it! You've already taught me how to poach an egg so nothing further required today, thanks. xx

g Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:29am

not funny

g Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:44am

i so do not understand how things work here - so sorry - not funny was meant as a reply to Paul for linking going to a funeral with advise of how to unblock the toilet in response to - actually funny - comment by TRATG .I found the blog relevant to all of us Leah. I may only add that we should think more about death - even our own ( insert here name of a person- sorry to miss it- whose son's question about funeral arrangement ...) - to feel more alive and to make our life more meaningful and that it is extremely important to spend time with family , talk to them , find out about the past , their childhood , ancestors ....especially when they are older and tell them we love them when they are still with us .All of this will help the grieving process but we have to grieve properly too.I did not shed a tear at my father's funeral only to completely fall apart months later shedding tons of tears for no apparent reason to be reminded that the grieving process I had pushed away finally caught up with me ....

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:30pm

RATG....have injured wrist yesterday - obviously in sympafee with x x x

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:02pm

g, Thanks so much for your helpful post.I think talking more about death is very important. I had the same experience with my mum's funeral as you did at your dad's. My mum had dementia foe ten years so I felt I had done my grieving and spent her funeral comforting others. About 6 weeks later in the ice cream aisle at a supermarket I just started sobbing.

Hopeful One Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:35am

Hi Leah- I too have lost both my parents- my father when I was 18 and my mother when I was past fifty. Unfortunately my mother left the family for her new lover when I was 12 and I never saw her again in all those years. I just simply could not forgive her for what she had done to me.My grieving was only completed when I heard that she had finally passed away when I was able to forgive her.

Grieving can feel like a depression as 'loss' is the common factor. Psychologists have worked out that it takes between a year to 18 months for the average grieving process to complete itself which will only happen when we accept what has happened.

Here is an interesting tit bit. The Episcopalian Church of the USA wanted to make some investments. The asked Edwin Coppock, an investment guru ,what the best time was for them was to invest in the market following the stock market falls during the American Depression. Coppock asked the Church Elders how long it took for someone to complete grieving .From their experience with their church goers the told him about a year to 18 months. Coppock used this information to devise the Coppock Indicator which is still used to this day as to the best time to invest after a stock market fall!

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:15am

Hopeful one, I think there is no use by date for grief, Some people have a shorter process than others. Thanks or sharing your comments. Mat is sad about your mum. I hope you found peace.

Anne Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:57am

Thank you Leah... a most helpful blog. I too have brothers who seemed to cope with my father's death with relative ease.... I spent the first couple of years following his death thinking there must be something wrong with me to be so upset! ... I ended up thinking that maybe I was just hypersensitive.. :/ Perhaps it's more a male / female thing...

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 10:18am

Anne That is an interesting comment.I have never thought about males and females having different grieving styles.

Lesley Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 5:03pm

Anne and Leah, men and women have different limbic systems. Women have a larger and often more sensitive limbic system. x

Lesley Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 5:04pm

This system is largely responsible for emotions so we do feel things for longer and more acutely. Science.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:49pm

Lesley, I also know exceptions where men grieve very deeply and women have gone on with their lives. May also depend on the individual and their relationship with their loved ones.It is very interesting about limbic systems. Thanks.

susan Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:20am

Thanks for opening this up, Leah. Like others, I'm dreading losing my mother who is 90. When I was starting to recover from a recent accident, she was the only one (via telephone from Canada) who could give me the deep comfort I needed. While a beautiful thing, it really scared me. Together we sometimes talk about what it will be like when she leaves; she tells me she will always be close. A friend who recently lost her mother says 'I feel like I've been abandoned in the shopping mall'. Leah, many thanks for drawing attention to the 'forgotten grievers'and the discussions that have resulted. xx

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:07pm

Susan, I think it is great you can talk about the future with your mum. I think years ago the advice was when someone died to get on with ones life and not think about them. Now the advice it is healthy to write like I did, or talk to the person you are grieving, which I have done to. Like your mum says she will always be close. My parents are always close with photos and mainly with stories and sayings that they used to tell me.Thanks again for sharing your comments.

Norman Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 12:11pm

Leah, reframing time: instead of grieving the loss, recognise what remains. Although university and the professions took me out of my parent's world and beyond their guidance, they gave me great values, even if sometimes contradictory. (Example: mam: "you'll never get on unless you drop that accent and speak properly." Dad "Never forget your roots, always be proud of them.") My proudest moments come when I overhear my adult son telling his friends what I used to tell him as a teenager. You obviously valued your dad's feedback because you still want to keep him "in the loop."

At my mother's funeral my younger brothers said: "you're next then..."

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:48pm

That's mean....unless they meant you're the next in charge??? Go on, boss them about!!

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:09pm

Norman I like this"instead of grieving loss recognise what remains" because it is so true and that is what I do. I appreciate all the wisdom they have left me.I also received contradictory advice from my parents! Thanks for your comments as they have given me more to think about.

Anonymous Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 2:39pm

Hello Leah
I very much appreciate this. Thank you. You have expressed this loss so clearly. I became a single mother to 2 (now) teenagers over 10 years ago, (their father still makes life difficult at any opportunity and is certainly not the supportive kind). I lost both my parents within the past 8 years and feel exactly that - suddenly completely alone, with great responsibility and no one 'out there' caring about me any more. It feels like I will never fully be able to grieve. I needed to support my children's loss, as they were very close to their grandparents but it was not possible to hold life together whilst grieving myself... And after all - I was the adult here.
The loss of my parents, although inevitable has clearly really knocked me as I feel so alone now. But I certainly have much appreciation for all their love, support and kindness when they were alive.

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:47pm

Hi Anon, I do hope you can find a more receptive family here on Moodscope....brothers, sisters, mum's, dads, grandparents....there's at least half a dozen of each here and we are all happy to help each other, if we can. Are your children old enough for you to talk about how you feel? If they are teenagers, I would say they are....and it might be good for them to see how you feel deep down and how much you loved their grandparents....might be a good opportunity to talk as a family? Bear x

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:17pm

Hi Anon, Thank you so much for honesty in sharing your comments.Do you have any brothers or sisters? It must be hard for you with your children and feeling you need to be strong for them. I agree with bear, about having a family talk. I assume they knew their grandparents even though for a short time. As I mentioned if you can write down how you are feeling , or maybe through art, or some other way, that can help with the grief. Sometimes people make up a memory book consisting of photos, stories etc to remember a parent. I hope I have not overwhelmed you. Please feel welcome at moodscope to express your thoughts anytime as Bear said this is a caring community and family.All the best.

Mj Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 2:46pm

A beautiful post Leah. Please know another adult orphan is with you. Yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the States. I was blessed enough to sit at someone else's table.
Stay strong.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:18pm

Thanks Mj Thanks for your kind words. I send my thoughts across the seas to you as well.

Leanne Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 3:02pm

Thank you, what a lovely post and it just touched a chord. Its so true, we're just expected to get over it as adults and yet the effect of their absence is huge.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:18pm

Thanks Leanne, Your words are very much appreciated.

Lesley Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 5:01pm

Thank you, Leah. I understand completely what you are expressing. Funnily enough I work at a crematorium and cemetery and find it the most comforting place with the kindest and funniest people I have ever worked with.

Being kind to yourself and having your grief acknowledged by others is so important. I recently was filmed by the charity Fixers around the subject of losing a parent at a young age. I am pushing 53 years old but I lost my mother to cancer 16 days after my 19th birthday and 3 days after her 50th birthday.

I bolted into studying harder and partying to avoid the pain. It surfaced of course a good 8 years later. As I began to come to terms with her loss my father then died when I was 28. When a work colleague questioned why I was granted a week's compassionate leave for my father dying, I was flummoxed but didn't yell at him. Wish I had! I should have boxed his ears and told him how "flipping" lucky he was. I saw Facebook photos this year of him smiling broadly with his parents and family during a reunion. My godmother to whom I was close died the year after my father and all my grandparents were dead before him.

I never allowed myself to see myself as an orphan because the definition I knew of orphan was "a child who had lost parents", and I could not be a child whilst working in a very adult and competitive world. Unable to say how awful I felt I started to draw shadows under my eyes with makeup. I wanted empathy and a hug not to have to perform. Intractable neck pain has been par of my life since those days.

I can categorically say that I have had anxiety since the day my father died - so 24 years with several periods of debilitating depression and anxiety. The rest of my family were and are 450 miles away. I now see that I have done ever so well to manage to stay alive and not succumb to suicide as death is where I see peace. So, today's lesson is as usual to be kind to oneself, to nurture one's inner child and remember that we are not alone. And to know that your parents are still with you. It's taken men until the age of 51 to speak to them again as I didn't realise they were still there. Doh!

Our lovely network of humane and gentle and very funny (oh RATG you especially) spirits are here in this community as well. And my antidote to the pain? Well this week I am playing the evil villain in a local pantomime and as usual all pain and worry vanishes to be replaced with energy and delight in life. It is no coincidence to me that the word "cast" is used in theatre. Your team and its energy literally are a cast, supporting each other and helping the limbic fractures to heal in a riotous celebration of life, and love.

Thank you, Leah, for writing this blog which lay inside me. Toodle-pip!

Nicola Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:43pm

Leah, an excellent blog, and one with which I can fully empathise, having lost both my parents fairly young, and feeling very alone and isolated since. It is a comfort to read that someone else feels as you do. Lesley, so much loss, but you are absolutely right in that the answer is to be kind to yourself. Big hugs, my dears x

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:21pm

Lesley, Thanks so much for your eloquent and moving comment. It really touched me.I like your refreshing honesty and the way your worked out ling you. I am sure your words will help many others as well.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:22pm

Nicola Thanks you for your kind words. I hope you are being kind to yourself.

The Gardener Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 6:03pm

What a wealth of emotions have come about. Neither my husband or I have ever felt the 'orphan' syndrome, and certainly did little grieving. Not that we are heartless (I hope) but none of our parents, sadly, 'impressed' themselves on our lives, nor, except one exception, on that of our children. So we never felt this sudden 'help, we're the elder generation now'. Both our mothers lived till 100, their last years were joyless suffering, the cliche 'happy release' was really true. My mother's funeral was a lovely affair, all the grandchildren took part, then all who could come had a jolly good lunch in the farm garden which had been her home before going into a home. Our GP sent an e-mail 'what a lovely funeral'. Then he said it was a bit tactless, then added that you could not really mourn or grieve a lady who had lived so long and suffered. I could not get to my m-in-law's funeral - think it was a 'duty' one. I think my b-in-law (the elder son) missed her, they were very close - I always think, bitterly, and still do, that he was an academic she could be proud of and my husband was (in her eyes) a lowly farmer. She was strict, fussy, a snob and did not have an ounce of humour in her. My father was bizarre, bi-polar and took no interest in the family unless he was in trouble. And yet (I found this sad and touching) in his papers were all my school reports and music exam results! Husband's father was a darling, but so ill and remote at the end of his life that he did not 'mark' the family. But this generation! When my husband was carted into hospital just after we got to France - it looked life threatening - but he was OK, the response from eldest son was shock horror - Dad's are always there, he said. He was here, luckily, during all the dramas 6 weeks ago - sitting reading by his near comatose Dad, comforting and reassuring when necessary. I think he will feel it when, inevitably, he becomes the 'doyen' of the family

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:28pm

Gardener, Another wonderfully wise engaging story. It is interesting about whether we miss people more if we were closer to them and they had a big impact on our lives. I know where people have a difficult relationship with a parent and when the parent dies the grieving is difficult because of unresolved issues.I am still amazed at 2 mothers living to 100. So you definitely have time to write loads of books!!!!Look forward to your next I mean comment! Gid'day mate.

Lexi Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 6:04pm

Beautiful post Leah.

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:28pm

Lexi Thanks so much.

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:42pm

I have brothers who, on the outside, coped when our dear dad died twenty years ago. When Mum died last year, some of them seemed to be less resilient. I'm still not over Mum's death.

It's still raw.

I still go to phone her to tell her what's happening/news gossip etc...(same goes for MIL...miss her dreadfully too as she only died two years ago)... I reach for the phone then remember.

We are the grown-ups now :(

I agree with you, Leah, there is no time limit on grief. I still miss my friend's little girl who died seventeen years ago and I really don't know how she copes.

I do think we should have sympathy and empathy for anyone who loses a loved one...and that includes ourselves.

But for everyone who still has love for anyone in their lives, tell that person, love them today - as we never know what tomorrow may bring and it maybe too late to say those precious words.

Great blog, dear Leah, thank you and Bear hugs x x x

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:34pm

Bear again for a thoughtful comment.I do not think we ever 'get over' a death of a loved one and why should we. We just make them part of our lives. I know about reaching for the phone. After my dad died I would go to tell him about something that happened in the shop as he was the one person who be interested. Then I would remember and the tears would come. So that's when I started writing little notes on the computer and that did help. I appreciate the time you take to comment to people on moodscope as you always are caring and compassionate and thoughtsul.

The Gardener Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 7:50pm

Re-reading many of the blogs - and the additional sadness of being ill or dying near Christmas. We had a subject on the real dread of Christmas a few days/weeks ago. It has SUCH an emotional hold on us that you almost feel people are blamed for being ill and dying and putting a dampener on the festivities. I am already feeling it - my husband is better, but still in a frail state - people are already asking me what I'm doing for Christmas. How the hell can I tell? (sorry). If we are together in the same house it will be enough - we were engaged to be married 62 years ago on Christmas Eve. I shall produce something magic in my shop for the kids. My husband could not manage much sociability - 6 weeks hospital has taken its toll. But, the church is 2 minutes by fast wheel-chair from our kitchen door - who knows if, covered in blankets, we might make midnight mass?

Leah Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 8:40pm

Gardener I don't what to say. You make me laugh and cry. I do hope you have the type of Christmas you want. ink 62 years since you were engaged deserves a celebration in itself. Mazel Tov!

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 9:18pm

TG...I now have the most fantastic image of you running down the road, on. Christmas Eve, pushing Mr TG in his wheelchair...him covered in blankies and you sparkling with dew from exhaustion and barging through the church doors into peace, candlelit peace....I nip down to sing at the local caravan park to sing with church members, to the crazy mad peeps who stay in the park over you can think of me in my woolly pully and bobble hat belting out descants in the brr cold on Christmas Eve....nice swapping images!!! And WOWEE ZOWEE.....62 years?? Congratulations...jubilations and even hubilations (but only if you've watched The Grinch!!) lovings, a crazy Bear (who really likes Christmas stuff!) x x x

LillyPet Fri, Nov 27th 2015 @ 11:15pm

That's such a lovely and positive way for me to see it ratg :) you're right! Nothing makes me happier than seeing children happy and it overflows into nurturing people who seem to need help! Just how you look at it I guess :) xx

Leah Sat, Nov 28th 2015 @ 12:49am

Lilypet, That's what I love about comments here because I learn a new perspective or a new idea from other people. At the very least I get something to think about.

Leah Sat, Nov 28th 2015 @ 12:52am

Thank you everyone for your wonderful repsonses. I know it is a sensitive and emotional topic so please be kind to yourselves and treasure all those around you and tell them how special they are.

Thanks to Moodscope for allowing this arena for us all to communicate and learn.

Mrs Jul A Non Sat, Nov 28th 2015 @ 9:17am

Hello Leah. Sorry this is late but I have been away and unable to log in as I forgot my Moodscope password. I was so uneasy at the thought of being an adult orphan when my parents were still alive that when they both died, it didn't really seem as bad as my imagination made it. I am fully aware now that if life and death acts as it should, I will die before my children. Grieving is so personal. One can never really describe it. A friend said that never a day goes by when she doesn't think of her mother. I am the same. I feel that life so far has progressed for me as it has meant to and for that I am grateful, very grateful. For a child to die before a parent must surely be the worst imaginable thing to happen to parents.
But I do know what you are saying and to miss ones parent(s) and feel so vulnerable as a child feels whose parents have been killed must be awful. To feel so alone.

Leah Sat, Nov 28th 2015 @ 10:03am

Jul A Non Thanks for your comments. I too feel a child dying before his/her parent is terrible. It is the natural order for a child to bury his/her parents.I agree grieving is very personal and varies from individual to individual.

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Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

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Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

We exist to help people to positively manage their moods. You can contribute by taking the test, sharing your experience on the blog or contributing funds so we can keep it free for all who need it.

Moodscope® is © Moodscope Ltd 2018. Developed from scales which are © 1988 American Psychological Association. Cannot be reproduced without express written permission of APA.