Moodscope's blog

8

September


Silence is golden? Saturday September 8, 2018


So it is said. There are many examples of silence being healing and restorative; retreats, meditation, solitary walks, etc. Noise rattles me, particularly others peoples over which I have no control, no choice. Loud music blaring from cars or from the neighbours' garden, and don't get me started on leaf blowers - and yes vacuum cleaners too, although unlike leaf blowers, they are actually useful! The list of irritating noises goes on, but this is a blog about silence and give me silence any day.

I seem to have made a good case for silence – right?

Wrong.

Silence isn't always welcome, especially not when one is silenced. I clearly remember getting my mouth washed out with salt age around 5/6years old for telling my sister I hated her. At that moment I did. She stole my doll and pulled her hair out. My mum didn't see this as she was in another room, but she did hear the words erupt from my mouth and so the result was to "clean" my mouth out.

But in doing so, she silenced me - for the next 45 years. I can still feel the rage now as I write this, the blood boiling in my veins as I was dragged to the cloakroom where my mouth was washed out. The injustice, how dare she, she didn't see what really happened. Of course I couldn't say anything, I had just learnt that the punishment for saying how you feel is violence. My innocent, momentary rage now fuelled by my mother's rage.

This was possibly the first time I was silenced, but it wasn't the last. I was silenced again 5 years later by my dad over an incident that I was "never to talk of again" and so I did not - until 40 years later when it erupted out of me! Inappropriately I might add, but I guess when an emotion - rage again - has been ignored for so long, it is going to take it's chance to escape when it can. One way or another, it's not going to be ignored any longer and it is coming out, it was past caring who saw it. It was not waiting for the right moment, there was to be no finesse, no politeness, no planning about the where and when – it was coming out NOW and nothing was going to stop it. And so it did. There was a bit of a mess to say the least.

It's hardly surprising then that I'm struggling to find my voice. But I am finding it. Slowly. And today, I understood for the first time, why this teasing out has to be done gently, with patience, respect and kindness.

Were the rage to flood out of me in an uncontrollable manner, it would leave an almighty trail of destruction in it's wake, not that it hasn't done so already. I've paid the price - enough. Finally, I'm recognising my rage, acknowledging it and making peace with it and now I have plans for it. I'm not looking for it to go away, but I am working on how it might serve me better rather than hinder and destruct.

I have a good feeling that it will be my rage that will help me find my voice.

Millie
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.


Permalink  |  Blog Home

Comments

Comments are viewable only by members. Register Now to participate in the discussion.

Already have an account? Login to leave a comment.

There are 30 comments so far.

What is Moodscope?

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

Blog Archive

Disclaimer

Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

We exist to help people to positively manage their moods. You can contribute by taking the test, sharing your experience on the blog or contributing funds so we can keep it free for all who need it.

Moodscope® is © Moodscope Ltd 2018. Developed from scales which are © 1988 American Psychological Association. Cannot be reproduced without express written permission of APA.