Moodscope's blog

20

December


Seeing Stars Friday December 20, 2019


I have been in alot of therapy over the years. Some terms are with me by memory now; closure, processing, realizing, and "acting as if." Or in other words: fake it til you make it.

My daughters both left home at age sixteen along with most of my good linen, good dishes and good intentions. The empty nest came far sooner than I ever expected and the visits home grew to be less and less. I miss the holidays where Barbie and Ken were the nativity couple with a playdough infant in the plastic saucecup manger and the heralding G.I. Jane and Joe brought tidings.

Depression at this time of year settles over me almost literally like someone has dropped a wet wool blanket on my person from somewhere sunny above me. I have S.A.D. on top of major depression and complicated ptsd and several phobias.

Medication is key but this last fall I got caught up in the black spot on the white wall and decided to change a med that worked but caused peprspiration. Down I went like a historical ship and life activites became exhausting. I spent twelve hours a day in bed and had to push to get the slightest task done. I who would normally be the one to silently scoff at someone who couldn't rise shine and fake it or meet a deadline, who could not punch a clock if it punched them first. Now I was the bedridden slave of fatigue for no reason, the hapless hack of hypochondria- after all there is nothing visibly wrong with my mirror image.

I got back on medication that works - different but effective, vowed not to change it again if it meant weaning off one to get to another and having a drastic lull in between.

Before the med fully activated I dragged myself out to the shed to drag my Christmas stash of decorations in. I didn't want to put them up I thought: what's the use, no one will see them but me. Ah - but I will see them. Seeing last years finery perked me up and reminded me of better times behind me and certainly hinted of better to come ahead. I wound up the musical Santa Claus figurine and listened to the carol tinkle merrily as I placed flickering and stable lights on the tree, mostly color... some solid and some in motion. I also put out white lights that looked like tiny stars on a dark night.

"Depression feeds on inactivity," someone told me once. Its true. And while the accompanying fatigue still robs me of some actions I would like to take, I am cheered up since the initial tumble down the unmedicated well of sadness.

Maybe I will host a "Blue Christmas," party this year for other loners. After all... misery shared is halved. The blackest night holds the prettiest stars.

Happy Non-Denominational Festival Occasion everyone!

Bailey
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.


Permalink  |  Blog Home

Comments

Comments are viewable only by members. Register Now to participate in the discussion.

Already have an account? Login to leave a comment.

There are 26 comments so far.

What is Moodscope?

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

Blog Archive

Disclaimer

Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

We exist to help people to positively manage their moods. You can contribute by taking the test, sharing your experience on the blog or contributing funds so we can keep it free for all who need it.

Moodscope® is © Moodscope Ltd 2020. Developed from scales which are © 1988 American Psychological Association. Cannot be reproduced without express written permission of APA.