My therapy journey – chapter one. Sunday March 6, 2016
Hi. I'm Debs and I'm a perfectionist. It's my lifetime struggle. The problem is there is no perfect so I am constantly held hostage to my own high ideals.
The reason I say this is because I was writing for Moodscope for most of last year and feeling good about it. Really good. But then I stopped. I went downhill mentally and the creativity dried up. The perfect idea eluded me. And then I realised what a perfectionist I am and how much it holds me back. What kind of life to be constantly striving for an elusive 100% that can't be reached?
So I asked myself what I would do if I wasn't waiting for the perfect idea? What if I could just write? Surely I could just write? What if I just write about me and what I am going through? So that's what I've decided to do. I am going to write about my journey in therapy. And hopefully some of it will resonate, be of help, or prompt a thought or two. My perfectionist mind is already telling me that I should have started this a year ago when I first went into therapy but I'm ignoring it and doing it anyway! (breakthrough number one!)
Last week my therapist said that I have a problem making mistakes. I'm terrified of them. I need to be 100% certain of my decisions before I make them, and then if I perceive a 'mistake' I drop the project, move on, start something else and the cycle repeats itself again. I sabotage myself in every aspect of my life. I'll reframe that: DID sabotage myself. With men: every man I met I'd be assessing to check if he was 'Mr Right' and as soon as I found something wrong I'd run. With my house: I moved in and then started finding things wrong with it. Even with my son: I picked the wrong father, I'd made a mistake and this time I couldn't take it back.
A lot of people with depression are perfectionists. It probably comes from the view that we're not good enough so we're striving to be the best. But in that path lies misery and more depression. I get this now. And I've decided to be good enough. To live in a house that's good enough. Be a good enough mum. Make good enough decisions. Or wrong decisions. Who cares. And I'm open to meeting a man that's good enough. And just maybe falling in love with his imperfections and he with mine... And maybe I'll find that being good enough is just perfect after all.
What about you? Where could you make some mistakes and live with the consequences? Where can you be good enough and love yourself for it?
A Moodscope member.
Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.