Moodscope's blog

16

January


My big day Wednesday January 16, 2019


I can smell salt water, although it doesn't really smell, does it? There's just a change in the air, barely tangible, that occurs when your body realises it's close to the sea. My body loves it, needs it. I smile, I can also see hibiscus flowers, my favourite, breathing in the sunlight. I exhale. My dreams are all coming true; today I marry you, my adult dream, we can be together properly after all this time, me and you (and God) against the world, then we get to dive with sharks, my childhood dream, me and you (and them) with no cage and no fear just respect, gratitude, awe... Oh of course there are so many other animals and places I'd love to see, so many books to read, so many pets to home and I can't wait, to do it all with you and achieve your dreams too - you just want to do everything! But these are my big ones and I feel so settled knowing I'm reaching them.

I wonder how you're feeling right now, exactly where you are, if you're ready, if we'll be running late like most of the time! I wonder if our mothers are coping with their hats and egos bustling for space, will their looks be approving today, just this once? Will the worry usually just behind the love in the eyes of our fathers be gone, just for today? No doubt the friends who made it here will be happy, if not relieved. I am so grateful to them, for their support of us both.

And we've really needed that support haven't we! Our ride hasn't been an easy one, and it won't be necessarily from now on, life is still going to happen! But the difference now is that we have learned to keep going, to function regardless somehow, to fight the bad thoughts not each other, to look forward instead of back, with more hope than apprehension... how I've fought to get to this day, GPs, counsellors, police, relatives, friends, colleagues, employees, all to understand, to help, to actually do something. And I've fought my issues and I've fought yours and to everyone who said I wasn't strong enough for you, I am. And to everyone who thought you couldn't do it, you can. You can win and you can enjoy life and you can achieve and you can work hard and you can be successful and you can make connections and you can keep relationships and you can value me and you can love me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you can do it. And so can I, by your side. Always.

I can feel the sand between my toes. I'm grounded, my body is at peace. I'm exactly where I should be, finally. Surrounded by love.

I step into the light.

And I wake up.

This is what
Would?
Could?
Should?
Have been happening today.

My dream is still alive though.

Depression, with all its disbelief, PTSD with all its anxieties, the debilitating effects of any kind of abuse, they rage, but they cannot kill dreams... no matter how hard they try.

So I wait.
In hope.
And love.

Lolo
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.


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