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Let's rock. Saturday January 14, 2017

Trying to sleep, I can't. Trying to wake up, I can't do this either. I actually never wanted to wake up, but I still did.

How do I waste my time? Well, mostly trying to figure out why my parents don't want me to seek help. Although I'm sure they know I need it.

"God help your future husband." they said.
"You have everything, but you are always sad and ungrateful." they said.
"You are always by yourself in the dark not talking or even going out with anyone." they said.
"You sleep a lot." they said.

So, while I'm waiting for a miracle to happen and since I'm spending most of my time alone, I listen to music to find my solace. I know many people seek slow, classical, calm music for more peace, but I am just so dead inside that I need to feel something, and I mean, anything.

My choice is Rock Music which is weird, but it makes me feel that there are people out there who somehow feel as bitter and angry as me; which makes me happy for a while. They scream. They sing whatever they want. They can write something utterly stupid but it was actually pretty deep or misunderstood when people heard it. Many unique ideas, unique music notes, energy and rush of feelings. I really feel singers passion whenever I hear rock music - it is the kind of passion that is mixed with agony and so much anger that totally describes how I feel and I'm actually not alone.

This is not about rock music in particular. But if you can't find anyone to help you, you maybe can find another way to feel better even if it's just for a while. I haven't found any other way to help myself so far, so I guess I will be stuck with rock music for quite some time...

A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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g Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 1:54am

Hi Menna . Nice to meet you . I do recognize lots of feelings that you describe and I am sure that there are lots o others here that feel often like you do and / or understand and will write and hopefully it will help and writing the blog may have helped and reading comments may and you may write again and feel a part of this community too and I am sure there will be a lot of suggestions coming your way as to other ways of finding help . Slowly does it and you made a very good start - excellent blog that is already helping others. Thank you and good day.

Molly Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 2:24am

Hi Menna. I absolutely agree with you, I love rock music. I have stopped listening to music at the moment, but I can totally relate to what you are saying, Meat Loaf is my favourite, the aggression and passion really gives me comfort, like it really brings out your pain. The lyrics need to be listened to and often are not. I can sit alone and get lost in this type of music. You have explained it really well. Not weird at all x

Molly Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 5:49am

Also wanted to mention your first comments of this post. I too lack family support and always remember a time when I was young and living at home, a comment made to me "you don't go out enough". This hurt me considerably because I was never a 'going out' kind of person. I wanted the home life and didn't really get it as my dad left us and my step dad came on the scene and I wasn't felt wanted at all, so their comment made me think even more so, that they wanted me out of the way. I spent hours alone in my bedroom. I'm alot older now but the damage never leaves. I now crave space but also crave loving. It is not a good mixture. I push people away but feel so alone. Thank you for reminding me about rock music, I have lost interest but it has given me hope that I might some day soon, enjoy it again.

LP Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 7:25am

Hi Molly, You have expressed this so clearly, I'm sure it will help others to understand why they push others away. I too noticed a pattern in relationships where I felt that I needed the person more than I felt they were into me. It brought out a dynamic of where I was described as needy and clingy, which was hurtful. I don't accept the description because it wasn't me, it was the dynamic between me and the wrong person. I have met someone who I'm more comfortable with, who treats me so nicely, maybe because he has also been hurt. Things can feel stuck but in the right circumstances they can feel different. LP xx

Molly Mon, Jan 16th 2017 @ 5:46am

Thank you LP xx

LP Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 7:10am

Hi Menna,
Someone once said that people who are into heavy rock are often amongst the loviest people you will meet.
It's a shame that your parents didnt understand you and were critical. Being understood is so important to me.
I'm glad that you found a way to tap into your feelings. It sounds like you want to connect with your feelings in other ways too and maybe the right therapist would help you to do this. I have not found it easy in my area, but maybe where you live it's worth considering, just to release your feelings in a way that makes a longterm difference rather than just in the moment.
Thank you for a powerful and enlightening blog Menna. I hope you continue to enjoy and develop your love of music, you may find some like minded people of which there are many, already some on here for starters! Rock it out! :) LP xx

the room above the garage Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 8:54am

Music got me into so much trouble when I lived at home! You've brought back memories and, now that I can look back, laughter. Gigs I wasn't allowed to go to that I went to, too young, too far away, troublesome venues. It was my escape too and it still is. As much live music as I can is my drug of choice. Except when very low, i watch the tickets on the fridge and I watch the date pass. I don't mind if someone tags along or not. All good! I didn't know that I needed help for many, many years and I suppose i felt a certain anger when I realised because it then became obvious and clear, so why couldn't those who cared about me not know and step in and help? Alone is good. It's how some of us figure things out. There's a brilliant little drawing somewhere which shows and extrovert going to a party and being energised and an introvert being drained. I'm friendly and cheerful and can act really, really well but I'm still drained by people. I need alone. And lots of it. Do you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you might be able to discuss your feelings? If they knew, would they still say the things you've described? The words are a little misguided as apples cannot become oranges just by wearing the jacket. I love that you understand you. That is a huge beginning. Love ratg x.

Liz Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 8:57am

This is the first comment I have done since I joined last month because this is exactly me also!
I found Nirvana helpful and some Queen tracks pleased me especially when I could not sleep. I could understand their lyrics too which was a comfort for me and I didn't feel alone with the same feelings and thoughts. Thank you for posting and also the comments others have written.

Mary Wednesday Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 9:06am

Hmmm.I remember my family just moaning "why are you up and down all the time? Why can't you just be stable?" Nobody really thought about getting me help. I just had a good "talking to" by the headmaster. Result was, I just hid it better.... and listened to rock music. You don't say how old you are, Menna but I would advise you to see your GP without your parents and seek support on your own. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a supportive family. One day you can make your own. Good luck. We're rooting for you.

Orangeblossom Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 9:10am

I do identify with this experience even though it was a long time ago. I would like to echo Mary Wednesday's comments.

Oli Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 9:28am

Menna, your words resonated. I don't think my parents realised how much it hurt when they called me a "hilarious" name to describe the way I preferred to stay in. I can't repeat it even now cos it still hurts thinking about it years later.

However... one of the things about staying in was that it gave me time to learn to play guitar. So while others my age were out dating and doing whatever I was by myself with my guitar and my music. I was hopeless at first... but I stayed in a long time, and played a lot of guitar every day...

Now, I still like my own company, or just a friend or two, and I still don't like parties. It's how I am and I'm okay with it. And the guitar...

I've got nine! (including a Gibson Flying V so you can tell what I like! I'm out gigging most weekends, and while I'll play anything these days because it pays the bills NOTHING is better than cranking up my Marshall and playing the stuff I love! I am SO glad I spent all that time staying in and learning how to play :-)

\m/ ( -_- ) \m/

Barbara Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 9:43am

Hi Menna. I agree with you. Music can really lift you.I listen to rock music,classical,80's, anything. My partner got me the Glee box set and I love it. Notice the people who are on your side and believe them when they say they like you.Let this build you up.

Sally Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 9:52am

Hi Menna. I can read how flat and unhappy you feel. "God help your future husband".....was also said to me by my mother. Years later, I realise she was just frustrated and didn't realise I needed help. You could really do with help. No one need suffer mental pain and anguish to this degree.
You have been very brave to write for us. I could identify and it took me straight back to my teenage years. Going out wasn't for me either. It's horrible the way people put pressure on you to be something other than what you are. But be true to yourself. And know that you are not alone. It's good that you have found music that energises you.

A View from the Far Side Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 11:16am

Hi Menna, ooh this brings up lots of thoughts from my long-distance adolescence and from being a parent. I had help from parents who didn't understand and got angry, but got me to a doctor (my own mother was ill) and I eventually had lots of help, most of which I hated, but looking back I can see that it did the job of getting me working as a functioning adult. Meanwhile as a parent any sign of anxiety/low mood, I ring someone to find out whether this is normal teenage behaviour or if I need to find further help. If your real parents are unable to help, then maybe there's someone you know who you trust and could talk to about this? Or you could look up Young Minds website if you've got the energy or inclination. And if you're up to it, go to the doctor.

My own music of choice is Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon or the Eurythmics. Annie Lennox, who has suffered her own mental health stuff has such a fantastic voice that resonates. Thanks for sharing your story.

Jul Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 12:47pm

Hello Menna. Like ratg, my drug of choice is rock music, preferably live and loud. I am at my happiest when in the crowd at a venue, ideally outside in the Summer. But indoors is good too! You have reminded me to look at upcoming gigs in 2017. There is a lot of angst when young and living at home and it seems you are in the thick of it. I think it's pretty normal to feel like you do but why not seek help independent of your parents wishes? If you are old enough of course. You don't say how old you are so take care and there are lots of organisations out there at the end of a phone who would treat your problems confidentially. Meanwhile rock on Menna. Julxx

The Gardener Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 3:11pm

Menna I'm so sorry - hope that writing this blog and getting the replies might 'open the flood gates' for you, You have done me a favour in making me realise that despite my Pa being bi-polar and his terrifying rages he encouraged me in everything - he was, really, a slave driver (left me to run his business while he ran off with other people's wives, having split up with my Ma). But he did not recognise the word 'NO'. So, all my life I've done everything - usually, with little money, it was do it or go without it. Still doing it - also, of course, got me meeting people. Music? Music While you Work, Palm Court - I vaguely remember Top of the Pops starting, and, for some reason, skiffle. I did not discover classical music until I was 22. My mother would never have encouraged me in anything - except to do household chores, she was so lazy, and had nothing else to do. I am seriously into jazz at the moment - France Musique has an excellent range every evening. I am getting terribly depressed, despite huge amount of help - Doctor came in yesterday afternoon and gave Mr G SUCH a lecture, basically you can't treat wives like that, fell on very deaf ears.

Leah Sat, Jan 14th 2017 @ 8:52pm

What a great thoughtful blog. I i'm not into rock music that have been known to sing around the house very loudly don't cry for me Argentina. For me it's all about the lyrics when I am low.
I hope you find your Help on moodscope and elsewhere. I am glad you found some solace in music.
I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Eva Sun, Jan 15th 2017 @ 8:52am

Hi Menna, I LOVE rock, I told my friend I'd happily die whilst listening to one of my favourite rock bands and now I feel paranoid at their gigs that she is going to creep up behind me and end it all... Only joking. Music touches a primitive part of us and extends through to the highest parts of our consciousness. I have recently been reunited with music after a 2 year hiatus. I couldn't bear the emotions it brought forth whilst moving through the grief of losing my dad, cousin, father in law and lastly lovely little cat. Use your music, but maybe also look outside for some alternative support networks its good to have fingers in various pies (what an expression). From one rock chick to another, Rock on!

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