18

June


I’m going to be totally honest here for my own growth and in the hope that it helps someone reading this. I’m finally realising that synchronicity works, so, if you are reading this and it helps you in some way, then, voila, synchronicity at work.

I’ve read many self-help books over the years and have dipped in and out of putting them into practice, to only fall again into a hole of despair and pity. However, something unpleasant happened to me two weeks ago that has ironically given me the motivation to put some of these practices into use.

Two weeks ago, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was devastated. I’ve never experienced this before. I’d had my suspicions for a while and had asked him if he was seeing someone else, which he denied. I knew he was lying and it made me feel awful. Anxious. Worried. Paranoid. A knot in my stomach. But I also knew I was right and I just couldn’t shake this feeling off. The detail of how I caught him isn’t important but what was important was that I needed to see it for myself as I knew either I had to leave or put up with my suspicions because he wasn’t going to tell me the truth.

When I saw for myself that he was cheating I was angry. Hurt. Devastated. I wanted revenge. I wanted everyone to know what he had done to me. But something in me told me to PAUSE. Take a moment. Not to react straight away. Days before this discovery I had started Louise Hay’s Mirror Work book to begin to learn self-love and self-healing. Perhaps it was this or perhaps I had an inner strength that had never been fully ignited or perhaps it was the years of reading self-help books that all accumulated to this one powerful thought: I am not going to make this about me. I am not going to blame myself for not being pretty enough, or thin enough or good enough. No. This was his mistake. Whatever his reasons were for cheating, they were his and not mine.

So, for the first time, I treated myself with the same kindness that I treat others. I cried but not because I was weak but to release the pain. I also visualised forgiving him. Not because I condoned his behaviour but because it was another way to release the pain, the anger, the blame and the resentment.

I am learning to no longer play the victim and fall into a hole of despair. I won’t lie. I’m still hurt. I still have a knot of anxiety when I think about him but I’m letting it go. I’m growing. I’m seeing it as a lesson that will propel me forward.

Anuszka
A Moodscope member.

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