Invisible. Tuesday March 21, 2017
I am a daughter, looking after an elderly quite sick mother. I am a mother looking after a 14 year old son whose hormones have kicked in with a vengence. Who am I?
I dont exist, what I want doesnt matter. My soul function is to make sure that my mother and son have good fulfilling lives. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window, I dont know who I am. Grey hair scraped back in a clip because I havent the time or inclination to wash it, clothes un-ironed, I dont care how I look it doesnt matter because I'm invisible. I used to care but that person is long long gone. I lurch from day to day going to a job I hate then making sure both of them have everything they need to be happy. Day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year. The only thing I had was my sense of humour but even that has got up and gone.
I can't feel pleasure with anything, I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I want to scream, stop the world I want to get off!! I can't let people get close to me, it's as if I have a wall around me. It's so high and wide I'm safe in its protection, I can't let go and break down, admitting I cant cope, for God sake people in the world are living in the most horrendous circumstances my problems are nothing compared to theirs. So I say to myself pull yourself together, but it doesnt last long. I am fortunate to live on a most beautiful island with no crime and eveyone knows everyone, but to me it is a prison and I am trapped.
Sometimes I look at photos of my younger self, I can hardly recognise the smiling happy face looking back at me. Is that me? I am now 52 severly menopausaul! I want a life I want to be happy but I dont know how to get that life. Anyway it doesnt matter what I want.
So I plod on with my life, in and out of hospital with my mom and in and out of school with my son! But where am I, where is that happy smiling carefree Tracey?
A Moodscope member.
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