I'm not so bad am I? Friday May 25, 2018
so I have suffered on and off with anxiety ever since my teens when I realised I existed and thought I was going mad, thinking people could hear my thoughts, but of course they couldn’t, and to be honest they weren’t bad thoughts, just run of your mill teenage concerns.
Through college and 26 yrs of work, by pushing myself to do presentations, speeches and not giving in to depression and self pity, I gained confidence, but I’m what managers in football call a confidence player; when things are going well and I’m on a roll, I’m unstoppable, on fire, brilliant almost, but all it takes is that little seed of doubt (2 games without a goal), a throw away comment by someone and I start the doubt, and suddenly what took years to build can be wiped away in days or even hours.
I start thinking I’m a fraud, not worthy, not good enough, blagging it. But even if I was, others do it and ‘get away with it’. They can lie, cheat, make themselves sound important, but thats just not me. I’m not everyone or like those others. I do care about others and I’m always looking out for the weakest in the group to try and help them, but sometimes I probably need some help myself and I am probably the weakest in the group sometimes, but I never take it, I stand alone, I try to manage myself, be independent. I choose to take the blame even when it's not my fault - for the greater good I tell myself.
I suffered one of these lack of confidence episodes earlier this year after starting a new job and throwing myself into it. Suddenly realising I'd taken on too much and sinking in to high anxiety. This time I knew it was coming so I took some days off work straight away, alerted my new boss who was supportive and got back to work after a week or so feeling much better and empowered.
Normally I hit the buffers in a big way and need one or two months off. Having caught it early I don't understand why has it been so much harder to get things back on track.
I've slipped into depression now. I never think I’m good enough, I've never got enough time to do a proper job, be a proper dad or able to concentrate on the task in front of me. I have no motivation, very little fun and laughter. The difference is I haven’t sunk so low before, so I feel in control, I don’t feel panic, but I don’t feel any high emotions - almost emotionless, its a strange way to feel.
Has anyone got any tips or methods of how to cope and improve their mood?
Moodscope member since feb this year.
Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.