Heavy Handed Help. Thursday December 1, 2016
Have you ever opened up to someone about something painful, only to be told that it was your own fault? That "You should've... or "You shouldn't have..."?
Has anyone told you "That's a self fulfilling prophesy" i.e. You brought it on yourself, or even worse, "You'll draw bad things to you if you think like that."!
One of the things that I love about Moodscope is that people are honest, compassionate and well meaning. It feels safe, even to disagree.
I've learned so much from others on here that has really helped me.
Often I am moved by or can identify with someone's pain. I'll sometimes offer someone a tip that has helped me. I try to show them that I get how they feel and if I do suggest something that I have personally found helpful, I'll say "Maybe..." or "Perhaps..." so that whether they find the suggestion useful is an option. They have a choice. I run the risk of them feeling patronised, but it seems worth it if there's a chance it might ease or help them to protect themselves from experiencing the same pain again.
Personally, if I tell a trusted person of my pain, I want to hear that they understand how I feel. Maybe they've experienced the same, totally get where I'm coming from and that I'm not alone.
I often want reassurance, or to hear someone say that what that person did was unacceptable.
Not my fault, but their issue!
From a position of feeling safe and supported, I'm more open to other possibilities or points of view.
For me, "helping" is about intent. If the intent is negative, e.g. "To teach you a lesson" or "Being cruel to be kind", that's how I receive it. Negatively.
If the intent is positive and I trust that it's coming from a good heart, not blaming, instructing or directing, but the offering of a kind gift, I will receive it as such. I feel safe enough to consider it with an open mind and not feel threatened by it. Free to choose whether there's something that I can take onboard, incase it provides me with some relief, inspiration or support.
If there is something to add to my toolbox from someone who gets it, I am truly grateful.
For me, being gentle with people's feelings isn't mollycoddling them, it's being respectful.
I also respect that not everyone will agree.
A challenge for me has been to find compassion when my pain has been triggered. Challenging, but possible.
I love this quote that sums it up for me.
"Whenever you have truth, it must be given with love, otherwise the messenger and the message will be rejected".
Wishing peace and harmony to all.
A Moodscope member.
Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.