Moodscope's blog

31

March


"Another time, another place... But not now." Sunday March 31, 2019


Seatbelt.
Deep breath.

I've listened to those 4 songs and felt sad before.
But I never thought I'd be listening to them having lost you.

Just keep driving.

The man at the petrol station scared me.
And the realisation that I can no longer use you as an excuse.

Nearly there.

I can hear children playing football.
The wind rips through the wool and slaloms up my ribcage.
Empty.

Oh no. Your boss is there. He saw me before I could turn. Funny.
Funny how we use humour in difficult situations.
But your female colleague knew. She could see it in my eyes.
And in the cuddly panda fallen on the desk.

I had to come here, I couldn't risk seeing your mother.
Although she may be happy, now, that I'd finally given her what she wanted.

But what do I want?
I want you.
But I can't have you, can I?

You're ill, you can't cope, you need space.

I need you.

I'm so angry.
I'm talking.
Are you even listening? Yes. I can see the pain in your eyes. Those eyes. I love them so much. But I can't look at them now can I?

It's cold. Shall we go inside? Yes.
This is the worst thing to wear. I know. But it's the only thing I can't give back. Why? Because you gave it to me at the start. Before you knew.

Do you still want to talk?
A look.
Ok.

I prayed I wouldn't see a fox on the way because I just knew it would - tears.

Hold me. One hand on the back of my head. Holding my mind together. What happens when you let go... don't think about it. Head in your chest. You're so much bigger than me. Nose in your coat. I can smell whatever was fried for dinner. It always makes me - tears.

Head up.
Breathe.
Those eyes again. They are burning. Let me hide from them where your neck meets your t-shirt.

Stay still.
I can hear karate upstairs.
I think you're crying too. But I don't know.
I never know.
Can I buy you a milkshake?
Humour again.
I smiled - for you. It's always for you.
Another time, another place
... But not now.

Oh, here's my car.
I need to hold you. I can't let go.
I can't I can't I can't.
Fireworks. As if arranged. As if we would.
Warm, salty cheeks. Soft lips - don't leave.

You were doing that silly wave when I drove away from your sparkling eyes.
Shining with the light that was in me.

Lolo
A Moodscope member.

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