The Moodscope Blog

21

April


Alchemy for Pain Sunday April 21, 2019


I have been interviewing counsellors this week.

Not for myself, this time, but for my daughter who is being badly bullied at school. The school has recommended that she speak with someone. Not just about what has happened over the last few months, but about much, so much more.

I won't give more details. She's happy for me to tell you about the bullying, because she now sees that it's all about the bullies, not her – but the rest is personal. Fair enough.

We've decided to go with the woman with whom I spoke this morning. She used two phrases which resonated with me. She said, "I will teach her to be truly herself, and to be true to herself," and "I will teach her how to turn her pain into strength."

My husband is baffled by this counselling business. After all, our daughter has a loving family – surely, she can talk to us (and yes, she does). She has her Godparents who love her – surely, she can talk with them (and yes, she does). Why does she need a professional? He's rather hurt.

The way I look at it, there are some DIY jobs that are, if you have the time and inclination, DIY. There are some jobs which – just aren't. The trick is to know which ones you can tackle yourself, and which ones for which you call in a professional. Even I (total klutz that I am) could probably apply new mastic to my shower tray. Fitting a new bathroom suite? For that, I'd call in the professionals.

This is a job for a professional.

Back to the phrase, "Turn her pain into strength."

This week is Holy Week in the Christian calendar. I know I need to be wary about talking about religion here, but please bear with me for a moment.

I follow the teachings of a Franciscan Friar, Father Richard Rohr. In his meditations in this Holy Week, he has written about how the pain and sufferings of Christ on the cross are transformed into love, acceptance and compassion: his open arms an embrace for the world.

This is truly turning pain into strength.

My daughter needs to understand herself and to understand her strengths and to then be true to those strengths.

She also needs to take her pain: the pain of betrayal and persecution, abandonment and loss, and turn it into strength, compassion and a passion for ministering to the world.
I have faith that she will do that.

It is so easy, it's natural, for pain to become bitterness and for betrayal to turn in on itself. It takes courage and faith to transform that hurt into beauty and strength. And often the help of a professional.

I know my daughter, with that help, will turn her pain into strength.

And, I ask you, what pain do you have? What can you turn into strength? And do you need the help of a professional?

Mary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

66 comments - Permalink


20

April


Pop wood inth door... Saturday April 20, 2019


As time goes on, I'm better able to remember Mum and Dad with a smile and reminisce the happy times, I'm grateful for this. Another very interesting aside to my journey of accepting what is and moving forward, is that my memory is coming back... I'm very grateful for that too.

When my parents first passed I was aware that my memory, even of things that were [I thought] fixed firmly in the forefront of my mind, was poor. I couldn't remember names of friends who were close to us as a family, and I would panic if they too had passed; meaning I would never be able to remember them again, and it felt like I was losing even more of Mum & Dad...

Anyway the upshot is, as I'm healing, my memories are returning, and I couldn't be more chuffed.

Which brings me on to the reason for this blog ("at last" I hear you cry :o) )

One of the things I love to remember are all my Mum's sayings – she had many bless her. I thought I would share a few with you; I hope you will share yours too.

How many do you recognise?
How many do you use?
How many would you like translated? haha

Chin up chuck, the sun's always shining, even if it is above the clouds
Pop wood inth door
Going round the wreakin
Nesh
Stop chunttering
Got to eat a peck of muck before ya die
Daffy drops & snow dillies
Mithered
Aye, I reckon so
Where there's muck there's money
You know what thought did?... followed a muck cart & thought it was a wedding
Stop ditherin'
By 'eck it's black over our Bill's mothers
Ferckle
Creaking gate lasts the longest
Don't meet trouble half way
Oh it's early yet, sun hasn't had time to warm the road
What ya werritin' about?
There's enough blue up there to make a sailor a pair of trousers
It'll be ok as long as the wood worm keep holding hands
I'm not a green as I'm cabbage looking

... to name but a few!

And finally: Mum used to regularly call in on many elderly neighbours, she'd chat or shop for them; generally be that someone they always looked forward to seeing. One of those ladies had the most amazing window boxes which she took such pride in. Every year she'd ask Mum to "Keep an on her Perculiars" she loved her colourful Perculiars (petunias) bless her.

I feel quite passionately that, wherever possible, we must keep these wonderful sayings alive. By so doing, it means our loved ones never die...

As a post script to my Mum's gems - on Mothering Sunday (how poignant) my hubby found a note written by her, in some old papers. It said "To live on in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die"

I would like this last message from Mum to be our 'thought for the day' if I may...?

Rosemary
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

75 comments - Permalink


19

April


I know how you feel Friday April 19, 2019


A neighbour's dad had died only a few months after being diagnosed with cancer. He was 50.

I knew my neighbour struggled and I wanted to tell her that I understood as I really missed my dad. I was sitting next to her as she stared into space and was about to tell her all about what I had learnt, when I recalled how tired I became of people telling me about when their father died when I was grieving. I knew they were being helpful but I just wanted someone to listen.

I listened to my friend. Some days we just sat in silence and other days she tried to explain through tears how she was feeling.

I think there is a fine balance between letting someone know you have some idea of what they are going through and that they are not alone, to taking over and making it all about your experience.

People use these words in many types of situations, not just grieving. I have had people say to me when they find out I have bipolar, I know how you feel, I am often moody.

I can see it is a natural human trait to want to relate to another person, but I don't think you have to know how they feel to show some compassion.

I realise not everyone will feel like this and may welcome those five words - I know how you feel.

I am interested in how people react to the words I know how you feel, do you use them or do you have a problem with them?

What words would you prefer people use? Or do you think silence is better if you are unsure of what to say.

Leah
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

85 comments - Permalink


18

April


Looking back Thursday April 18, 2019


Looking back can be rewarding.

During the last few years many people have stressed that however grim the present, dwelling in the past is no answer. Lolo's powerful blog on loss, coming on Mothering Sunday, caused me acute misery (not Lolo's fault; unfortunate juxtaposition of circumstances).

I took my best friend here out for her belated birthday lunch (milestone 60). On the way back, the elderly man opposite asked us in for coffee. A total stranger to her, but in we went, he diabetic, wife handicapped, they were delighted with our visit. I'd already had rather a moan on Moodscope about the estrangement of our first-born son. Nothing on TV, so I watched most of 'Portrait of a Marriage' (Vita-Sackville West and Harold Nicolson) good, not cheering. Then despair struck, I was desperate to talk to somebody, anybody, but not at 10 p.m on Sunday night. So I resorted to old blogs. I don't know if anybody else does this?

One was in July 2018, illustrated by glorious tulips, fearing I was heading for depression. I decided was not, because I was planning to plant hundreds of tulips for the next year – you can NOT be depressed if you are planning for next year. There were pages of replies, many long, sympathetic and forward looking. They came from Orange Blossom, Sally, 'Room', Oli, Nicco, Hopeful One, Mary Wednesday, Jul, Tutti Frutti, Ach UK, Dolphin, Valerie, 'Bear', Molly and Lacey. I even got a request from ratg on growing bulbs – I wrote a 'treatise' via Caroline which was printed. My tulips are now coming out in glorious profusion.

The next blog I read was in January 2018 on 'Comfort Blanket' illustrated by Indian children in the refuge we support wearing shawls I knitted for them. This, too, had loads of lovely replies. A post from 'Hopeful One' does, I think, speak for us all. 'Moodscope was instrumental in lifting me up when I was down in the dumps'.

The need for help in depression seems to have reached crisis point. Radio 4 has had 2 weeks (on PM) on the subject. It seems that coming off medication can have some of the same effects as 'cold turkey', but staying on Prosac for life is not an answer. One GP says she won't prescribe anti-depressants at all, too much risk. GP's say they need 45 minutes to diagnose depression, they get 10 minutes on average. ALL drugs should be regularly monitored, to see if they actually work and that the dosage is right.

Statistically, numbers of sufferers is rising – due as much to uncertainty, unhappy relationships, personalities in the work place, and allied social problems. It is mpossible to know how many depressive states are due to these things or to real, medical bi-polar or the centuries old 'melancholic state'. When I was 'manic depressive', decades ago my GP tried all sorts of drugs, some with horrific side effects, then we ran out of choices, I only had one kidney, and that would not have stood the strain. So, go it alone? Or hope your 'prop' works.

The Gardener
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

52 comments - Permalink


17

April


Our Lady of Paris Wednesday April 17, 2019


I stared down at my phone in stunned horror.

"The Notre Dame is burning down!" I said to my husband, who scoffed.

"That's just a stupid prank someone is pulling on you," he said.

But it was true. We watched the live stream, the flames leaping in a sinuous ballet up the spire and the raging ball of fire above the nave. We gasped with the crowds when the spire fell onto and through the priceless and irreplaceable medieval roof. When we went to bed it was still burning.

This morning, listening to the six o'clock news, we heard a reporter say, "My feeling is one of relief. She's still there. She's still standing. The fire is out."

President Macron said, "The worse has been avoided."

Much was saved, and nobody died, although a fire fighter has been seriously injured.

The devastating damage and near destruction of this symbol of the Christian faith becomes more significant in Holy Week. The Notre Dame is not just an icon of Paris, but of its Catholic heritage – a faith which has lasted down the centuries, even though Paris, like all cities, is now blessedly multi-cultural. The Christian Faith holds that Christ died, but then, three days later, He rose again, bringing hope and joy.

This lovely Cathedral is only a symbol. A beautiful symbol, but not the thing itself. She is a part of the city, but not the city itself. The city is the people and the Church is the people. Buildings are only the habitation for people and the storage for the art that people create.

A much smaller incident happened last year at my daughters' school: the art block burned down, destroying all the art and textile projects that were part of the GCSE submissions. Special provisions had to be made for those students affected. My elder daughter's friend was in tears over the loss of his artwork. He had poured himself into those paintings and drawings – they were the best he could do – and now they were gone.

But the human race is an art-making animal. We cannot help but make art: it's what we do. This friend is still creating; he is still drawing and painting. Maybe he has not recreated the works he lost, but he has gone on to do something different and something even better.

The Notre Dame too will be rebuilt; rebuilt differently, as she must be, but rebuilt with beauty and with joy.

And, in Holy week, we have another symbol of the triumph of hope over destruction. Our Lady of Paris is down, but not out. And, while it will take many years and not just three days, she will rise again.

Mary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

24 comments - Permalink


16

April


Social Hibernation Tuesday April 16, 2019


Does everyone feel like this at times when you just want a holiday from people and life in general?

I would describe myself as fairly sociable and I enjoy going out and am not worried about being at a party with strangers. However, now and then I will not be able to go out due to anxiety.

I feel pressure to be always up, bubbly and especially so that people won't ask me pressing questions. I was at the hairdressers and someone who was supposed to just cut my hair started to ask the intrusive questions they feel they have to ask – where do you live, are you married, do you have children... yes I have a stepchild... yes she lives with us, no her mum doesn't not want her it's just the arrangement (cue the "Oh it must be so hard looking after someone else's child" - when will it STOP!!.

Some people seem to find me endlessly interesting because my life does change a lot of the time – not always by choice I have to add. I have many interests but I am ricocheting from one thing to the next – a sort of creative ADHD. I can't sit still for long although I am getting slightly better at it. At these times when I feel like it's a cross examination (even of the well-meaning sort), I do get stressed although I don't always show it, I don't know what to say, I feel I should be the life and soul of the party, and if I am quiet, people don't know how to handle me and I don't know how to handle it. It then starts to feel really pressurised and I get myself tied in knots.

It is exhausting trying to keep a charade or be the most polished version of myself so I've started not to wear make up all the time, and go quiet and if people ask I just say I'm tired and leave it at that.

Why do I feel I owe everyone such a detailed explanation or maybe I'm just a detail queen or maybe I just think too much. My racing mind won't often give me a rest. Or occasionally I have got (accidentally, never on purpose) almost paralytic on alcohol at social occasions and then have got incredible anxiety the next day (did I offend someone, why haven't they replied to my apologetic text, did I swear too much, have I pissed off my husband yet again etc)... or sometimes even before I go I'm doing a "mum and dad" on myself – don't get drunk, don't swear, don't wear the wrong sort of clothes, don't say the wrong thing etc. Easier to stay in!

So I recently have had a social hibernation with two hobbies of mine and I don't do the coffee meet-up for one of them afterwards. I've not been for two months and concentrating on the other main hobby which is writing and even done a performance at a local theatre with my fellow writers. A bit nerve-wracking but a total success which was fabulous. But by my non-attendance with the other hobbies, I've felt as if I've been forgotten. What a daft self-imposed quandary.

Liz
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

63 comments - Permalink


15

April


The Joy of the Endgame Monday April 15, 2019


Four people outside my family have had an enormous positive impact on me. Two were teachers; two were trainers. I say 'were' because two have passed away, but their legacy lives on in their students.

On Saturday morning at 3am, Tony Buzan, creator of Mind Mapping as a coherent discipline, died peacefully. Author of more than 17 books, translated into many languages, Tony has reached people all around the planet with a positive 'can do' message of how to study, memorise, and speed read. http://bit.ly/2Zb2jEh

What has touched me most is the realisation of all the friends I have come to know through my connection with Tony. My life would not have taken many beneficial paths without first reading his book, "Use Your Head," and then beginning to work with his organisation: Buzan Centres. This is where I met another of the four most influential people in my life: Vanda North. Vanda took me on as her apprentice, and I became a Buzan Master Trainer of that particular era of the Buzan storyline.

I vividly remember my first meeting with my 'hero'. He lived very close to me and invited me over. The first thing we did together was build the fire in his lounge (fireplace)! I don't remember what we spoke about, but I'll never forget how cool it was just to build and burn together!

Mind Mapping is the single most useful technique in my armoury of thinking, learning, leadership, and emotional management techniques. Whatever you can think of can be thought of more effectively and efficiently with a mind map.

Students around the world have aced exams with the technique. Executives have produced more, of higher quality, in less time. People have got married because of mind mapping. Other folks are behind bars. Aid has got to the right people. The stories are manifold.

So why share this in a Moodscope blog? I think mind mapping is a very powerful technique to help with improving mental health. This was not an intended application or planned benefit of the technique, but it is nevertheless a very tangible result of learning to use the process.

Why is it beneficial for our mental health? As we become increasingly pressurised by issues that magnify the effects of depression, one word frequently is expressed by those who suffer: overwhelm.

The tiniest of extra inputs can push us too far. Even as I write this, I'm ready to punch someone – there's just too much going on at the moment, and too many inputs, and too little time. The washing machine is too noisy. I might need to break something before I break myself.

Does this sound familiar?

One major way I cope is to get everything down on paper – to externalise the 'noise' on the page. The most effective way to do this in the shortest amount of time is to use the 'spider diagram' technique of mind mapping. It just uses key words – and even pictures wherever possible – all connected with a web of lines.

http://bit.ly/2UTsWyj will teach you how.

However, my point in writing this today is to salute those in our lives who influence our personal history for the better. Tony always had the joy of an endgame in mind: to create a more tolerant, empowered, and mentally literate world. That bigger vision carried him through the bad times and benefited so many millions – yes, millions – of people who read his books and saw his presentations.

He's run his race but the baton has been passed on to so many of us who remain grateful. He and I had unfinished business – good work we could have done together but didn't get around to it in time. Vanda is still with me. I'm going to get closer and act on my good intentions.

Who can you draw closer to today? Who can you say, "Thank You!" to for being a positive influence in your life?

Lex
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

32 comments - Permalink


14

April


Keep Smiling Sunday April 14, 2019


'She doesn't talk much does she?'
'She's shy - not like my others'
I smile.

'Don't be a sissy, big girls don't cry'
'You are too old for cuddles'
I smile.

'This is our secret time - you are so pretty'
'Let me touch you - it won't hurt'
I smile.

'Can I have a lock for my door? '
' You don't need one silly. You are not up to anything you shouldn't are you?'
I smile.

'You are a great mum - you don't need me. I'll only be gone a week. '
'I'll stay if you really need me'
I smile.

'You do a good job, but you wouldn't know how to deal with Management. Leave it to us'
I smile.

'We don't have any pressure relieving mattresses in stock'
'Perhaps your mum would be better in a hospice'
No smile. 'I need to speak to your Manager, now. Please. '

Wearing a smile can help lift your mood. If you wear a smile to make you feel better, which I often do, that's great. Wearing a smile for the benefit of others, that's often not so good.

What do you think? Social reciprocal smiles develop early in life and help bonding throughout life. It's just if smiles hide your true feelings and you don't let others close to you know how you really feel ... I think that has been at the root of my problems.

Katie
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

50 comments - Permalink


13

April


Who am I? Saturday April 13, 2019


In my life my experiences have taught me it is not wise to tell strangers everything about oneself. They may use what you may disclose to further their own aims, and/or to cause harm or mischief to you. I found to my cost I was too trusting of people and so now I try to be careful with my information. I dislike that this is so, but there we are, life does things to us and shapes us.

You don't really need to know who I am, not my real name, nor my birthplace, my gender or my race. I am not of any great significance, I have garnered no fame or notoriety and no-one in my family has come to any public attention, and I prefer to keep that so if possible.

But, I belong amongst you; I have an affinity here, believe you me.

Over the past few years I have sat quietly and listened to the conversations you have had. I have heard the stories you have told. I have absorbed your pain and marvelled at your resilience. I have laughed and cried, with you and for you and for myself, and I have read and reread your blogs and responses.

I have learnt from you: from your triumphs and mistakes, from your differing ideologies, ways of living, coping strategies, alternative theories and treatments and remedies. I have taken nurture from you and you have given me strength to better accept all that I am.

I am the better for having stepped through your doors.

I have offered, and will offer, my own comments, empathy and (hopefully) advice; for I have a lifetime of my own experiences and from them perhaps something useful can be learned.

Is it time to try a blog or two . . .?

Ach
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

67 comments - Permalink


12

April


High as a kite Friday April 12, 2019


Until last week I was low as a stone in a pool. Buried under a layer that held me there. It was not where I wanted to be. And I'd been there for quite a while.

This week, I am as high as a kite. Impatient to enjoy and put to use every second, not to miss out, to maximise the sensations and bottle them.

I'm rediscovering joys I'd forgotten, music, amusement, interests I thought were gone for ever whilst in the pool.

But no, this state is not right either, for being high as a kite, I risk being untethered. I imagine a strong gust of wind whisking the kite off, and then pitching it headfirst into the sand. To land face down.

For my kite is on the seafront, facing out to sea. The wide expanse of the horizon is before me, with views that are mine and mine alone for the moment as I gaze out to sea, and seeming eternity. Choices to make, as yet unknown. Multitudinous ways of being and reacting. I see the writing on my grandmother's jug : Time and tide wait for no man". It intrigued me, always, from being a little girl.

I can choose to embrace this new state and grow, but the pitfalls are those of overdosing. Like in Alice in Wonderland.

I must walk the emotional tightrope of emotions and try to gauge how much cord to let out. I must rein in flights of fancy, impulse, that are all part and parcel of the high. It's a balancing act, that I suspect others on here will know this all too well. I am confident...but wary too. I must put some safeguarding measures in place.

I have been replaying The Byrds' Turn, turn, turn, which always appeals to me when I'm switched on ( and can appreciate music). It goes:

"To everything, turn, turn, turn
There is a season
Turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose
Under heaven."

It makes me think about life and its vicissitudes, but mainly about the feeling of being alive and open to all that the world has to offer.

Sally
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

46 comments - Permalink


11

April


Love Potions for Ourselves Thursday April 11, 2019


Here I am in retreat again. My reasoning is always the same. I'm not really that good at this. Someone else would do this far better than me. I'm a fraud. I'm taking up someone else's space. The rightful place of another.

The problem with this is of course that the upshot is that I leave myself with no place for me at all, anywhere – except under the duvet in a miserable lump of self-pity and self-loathing. Leading to yet more self-pity and self-loathing because I am allowing myself to be self-pitying and self-loathing. And so on. Any Moodscopers relate to this?

I wish I had a set of answers to suggest for such times. A kind of recipe for self-loving. A love potion for oneself. I'm working on one (mine definitely involves dark chocolate), though I imagine each person's love potion will be different – as unique and beautiful (and flawed and faltering) as themselves. This is why, though they may give us pointers, and the idea for an ingredient or two, I have come to the conclusion that no pathway to self-love composed by another person will be exactly right for us. We have to find our own. Which is hard. At least for me.

It's taken me a while to work out that when I don't love myself, not one, but two bullies come into play – Contempt and Fear. Together they feel insuperable. Taken together I am ground down by contempt into fearfulness – and the fearfulness makes me feel contemptible. Taken apart though, like most bullies, they feel a bit easier to confront. I refuse to be governed by fear, and I refuse to accept contempt. It's still hard facing up to them, and right now I have a counsellor helping me fight my corner – but at least I've pulled apart some of the black shadow. And in pulling apart that shadow I'm finding a part of me that (shock, horror!) quite likes myself. Even the part of me that sobs under the duvet. May be even especially that part of me. I'm not amazing, but I'm alright.

Dear Moodscopers, what are the ingredients for your love potion for yourself?

Magdalen
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

39 comments - Permalink


10

April


The Cost Wednesday April 10, 2019


I don't care anymore. It doesn't hurt.
She rubs her eyes as if they ache.
I just laugh at them now.
She wipes the lie from lips gone dry.

Snitch. Sneak. Snake.

The counsellor waits, creates

A space

To speak

The words, forced by torture;
Events told by heated irons
And names drawn out by the rack.

Snitch. Snitch: we'll get you, bitch!

The rumours set about and fostered;
Lies like thick manure round hemlock;
Screamed abuse on the bus;
Isolation;
The cruelties following her home on her phone.

No Escape.

Sneak. Sneak: you're so weak!

No place free from
The stench of the rotting
Corpse of friendship.

Snitch. Sneak. Snake.

I saw what they did to the others;
I never thought they'd do it to me.

The counsellor waits, creates the space.

It's been months now.
I tried to kill myself last week.

Snake. Snake: we'll make you break!

But now, now I must tell.
They've started on my sister now.

Mary
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

61 comments - Permalink


9

April


Let's bake a cake Tuesday April 9, 2019


I'd like to throw something in the mix if I may.

Are you living with, suffering from or battling against? Do you dance with, play along, or witness from afar?

So many descriptions, and I've used them all over time, but then I got thinking about just how powerful our choice of words can be; the correlation between inner dialogue and mental health fascinates me.

If we 'live with' does that mean we are not attempting to improve the situation and have simply accepted it? If we are 'suffering from' does that sow the seed that 'it' is stronger than we are and there is no point in trying? If we are 'battling' does that not make it an external, exhausting, possibly unwinnable fight? Or are we not simply dancing between all [and more] every day?

I try very hard to be mindful of the words I choose, I do understand how they can be so powerful in either elevating us or dragging us down (whether spoken or thought).

Titles we give or are given can also trigger opinions. When my parents were alive I was their carer, a medic, cleaner, admin, also a wife, a friend, a colleague, ...at work - a trainer. There were more but you get the idea; so many caps so many occasions. And I could see how not only did I often act differently when in different roles, but there were times when people Reacted differently toward me too. Isn't that interesting? Staying congruent to your true self whilst working with these different titles can be a struggle in its own right. (but that's another blog!)

Anyway, back to my baking...

When you look at these 'job descriptions' individually they can feel daunting, almost unachievable, but what if we looked at them as the ingredients of a cake? Some of the individual ingredients can be pretty unpalatable if eaten alone. If we were offered just one we'd no doubt decline; salt, baking powder, fat, even flour can all make us think the final result will be tasteless at best and inedible at worst, yet looking at the light sponge filled with cream proves that all the ingredients are needed; working together to make the final masterpiece.

So maybe if we could gently embrace the days that we feel we are 'battling against' ...sit with it a while and then let it go, enjoy the moments that we can 'dance with it', and accept the times that we are 'suffering from', we could begin to accept all that is, because all that is, is what makes us who we are – one big (sometimes messy) but beautiful cake!

My cake includes 2lb patience, 1lb resilience, pinch of irritability, 2lb each of both strength & weakness (equal amounts) 3lb humour, glass half full water, all neatly iced with gratitude & magic sprinkles.

I'd be interested to hear how you move between your roles.

Are you ready to bake your own cake..?

Rosemary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

77 comments - Permalink


8

April


Could You? Would You?? When??? Monday April 8, 2019


Many years ago – decades in fact – way back in the times when cassette tapes were the dominant media, I bought a very expensive training programme called, "The Sedona Method."

The claims were amazing. With this method I would find, "Freedom Now."

The freedoms on offer were emotional, relationship, even financial. I would be free from fear, free from guilt, and free to be me.

You can well imagine my frustration when the 15 or so tapes all had the same method on every tape! Did I become financially free? Nope! But I did get value from the technique, and it's stayed with me ever since. I don't believe the claims made for the method, but I do believe in the worthwhile nature of a very simple approach to letting go of stuff we don't want.

To share this effectively with you, I need you to play along!

You'll need a pencil or a pen – something you'd be happy to have clatter to the floor.

Let me give you an insight into what's to come. I'm going to ask you to squeeze the pencil tightly in your hand – as if it was a stressor that you were stressing over... even though it's just a pencil.

Then I'm going to ask you three very simple questions:

Firstly, COULD you let this go?
Secondly, WOULD you let this go?
Thirdly, WHEN?

OK, let's do this.

Squeeze the pencil.

Ask yourself the first question: COULD I let this go?

(Your answer is going to be, "Yes!")

Then ask yourself the second question: WOULD I let this go?

(I'm no mind-reader, but I'm going to take a wild guess and suggest your answer is again going to be, "Yes!" After all, it's just a pencil! You don't NEED to hold on to it, do you?)

Finally, ask yourself, "WHEN?" If your answer is, "Now!" DROP THE PENCIL!

I've had some minor upsets recently that have preyed upon and weighed on my mind. These upsets have damaged my energy, and I wanted to let them go. I wanted to be rid of them. Then I remembered the Sedona Method from all those years ago.

The upsets were far more emotionally charged than an inert pencil.

I pictured the offending party and asked myself, "COULD I let this go?" The answer, by the way, is always, "Yes!" to this question. Its purpose is to remind you that you have a choice.

The cross-roads is the, "WOULD I let this go?" question. The answer, here, can legitimately be, "No!" And here's the key point. If you WON'T let something go, get real and forget about doing anything else of any quality until you've confronted and dealt with the situation. Until you get to the point where you genuinely WOULD let this matter drop (like a pencil), it will consume your energy and drain you of passion.

I'm hoping for better things in our cases though; I'm hoping that we'll say, "Yes!" and when we move on to the, "WHEN?" question, we'll say, "Now!"

I did this with the emotional damage I'd received. It took a few attempts, but I succeeded in letting it go eventually. Then I deleted them as my Facebook friend and LinkedIn contact – that was really letting go!!! Let's not be naive, there are some people we are better off not having in our lives!

I don't believe in the spooky woo-woo claims for the Sedona Method, but I know it works well enough for me to be glad to have learned it, and well enough for me to use it time and time again.

I hope it will serve you well too.

Lex
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below

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7

April


Tolerance for imperfection Sunday April 7, 2019


I was speaking with a friend recently who works freelance. She is currently out of work awaiting the next contract and was working on her own project, as was I. She mentioned she was feeling a bit low, so I suggested that she came to stay for a few days for a break from her surroundings and that she brought her project with her. To my delight and surprise, she accepted and turned up a few days later.

For four days we laughed, shared stories, worked creatively and productively during the day and in the evening, we cooked for each other and ate together continuing our conversation. Overall, we had a relaxed, fun and productive time.

The day she was leaving however we had an unexpectedly strange heated exchange over a parked van in a petrol station. It was simply a mis-understanding or language failure – who knows, I certainly don't understand what happened. Her first language is not English and I think she mistook what I thought was a helpful suggestion, for interfering (my back seat driving maybe?). I tried to explain that I was just trying to help at which point she exploded.

Suffice to say, we parted company politely but frostily and I can't help but reflect on the fact that 4 days of getting on really well together was undone in 4 seconds at an "out of order" petrol pump with both of us parting company with a slightly bitter taste around the visit.

Of course clearly the heated exchange wasn't over the parked van at the petrol pump, there must've been more to it. Was anxiety setting in about the drive ahead or of going back to being on her own after 4 days of company, or of the stress of living in the City that she wants to leave, the neighbour that she doesn't get on with, or of the waiting for the phone to ring with a new contract?

I don't know, but I am left reflecting on the fact that for 99% of our time together we had fun, we laughed and were generally very at ease with the other, yet what we are both left with is the 1% - the slightly starchy feeling towards the other.

I am being balanced around the incident and hold no ill feeling, I see it for what it was, a mis-understanding and unimportant on the scale of things but it's made me think of a beautifully hand painted china mug. One day the rims gets a little chip and so the 99% of intricate hand painting stops getting noticed while the attention now goes to the tiny 1% of imperfection. Why?

Why throw away a mug because 1% of it is less than perfect? Why focus on what is not right about the mug especially when the rest of it is functional and beautiful? Are we really saying that things are only worth having if they are perfect, have we no tolerance for imperfection? And does the same apply to friendships, relationships, the working environment, are we judging it all too harshly, focusing on the small chip meanwhile missing the overall beauty?

Millie
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

50 comments - Permalink


6

April


The trouble with families Saturday April 6, 2019


I had a flying visit from a close family member this weekend, but despite feeling very under par from a cold, we did our usual welcome. And then the box of old photographs came out... and there were a few questions and then... a statement which was as obvious as it was heartbreaking... to me. "Mum f*cked you up". That was it. Four words. I could not hold the tears back any more. It was like I was transported back into teenage hell, despite being as I am now, an accomplished, brave and extremely resilient 53 year old female. Because I knew. But I did not need it said. And it wasn't from a position of nastiness but it brought back a tsunami of painful memories.

Later that night I went to bed with a lump so large in my throat it hurt. Earlier apologies ensued... too many wines and a loose tongue were apparently the culprits. My husband, ever the mediator, said it was from the position of an older brother who had seen and heard stuff... but like my dad in all honesty had done nothing about the emotional abuse I had suffered as they both did their disappearing act. And I had issues with men – is it any wonder?

I was told that as a teenager, I looked like a slapper, and a tart and even in front of my friends, "Are you going out with her looking like that?" My phone calls were eavesdropped on, a cackling going on in the background and then the obvious click as she got bored with the conversation. I had the wonderful comment about my second cousin "You can't compete"... as well as jibes about being anorexic, wearing too much black... you name it.

Arguments in shops with her screaming at me because I had dared to want to go back to the shop to buy the thing I had seen in the first place (she would say "Oh we can look at the other shops and then if you still like it we can go back".. and then the "If you'd liked it that much you would have bought it there and then" or that I was a bit late for the final meet-up before we went home.

Another thing was mentioned about an incident with an "uncle" (neighbour) who took me upstairs when I was barely a teenager – or I may have been younger and tried to kiss me inappropriately – the excuse was "I've got something to show you"... The first time I recalled that memory it triggered a flood of tears and a questioning in my own mind if anything else far worse had happened. This was the same man who babysat every Saturday night and bought me chocolates and sat as close to me as a boyfriend would with his arm around me.

I developed body dysmorphia as a teenager from probably all the negative comments and experiences with boys at school – my arms were pinned back in a break one time and I was assaulted. I told no-one. I was followed into toilets. But the dysmorphia, although triggered by a photograph initially, haunts me to this day.

The strange thing is I have forgiven my mum but the hurt will never really go away. It's a scar that doesn't need to be opened however... but it often is, unwittingly by others... and I'm brooding again...

Liz
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

70 comments - Permalink


5

April


Whistle a Happy Tune Friday April 5, 2019


The title comes from a song from The King and I.

The inspiration for the blog comes from some members who have written here about their loneliness, feeling disconnected. Google the song, I think psychologists would approve the sentiments.

"When I fool the people I fear I fool myself as well".

Years ago I used to say hello to a young man who seemed new to the area. He would mutter a reply, staring at the ground, but did not seem unfriendly. One day he wore a Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy t-shirt. I pointed, gave the thumbs up, said "Bit before your time", and he smiled.

After weeks of this, I spotted him in the supermarket one day, and waved. As I was leaving, he appeared again, with a big bunch of flowers. He introduced himself, Hari, from Greece (with a thirst for knowledge!) Doing postgrad studies in a branch of maths that made my brain hurt. He said how much he had valued my efforts to be friendly, how he looked forward to seeing me.

After that we would chat, walk along together. He started to appear with others of his own age. One day he was with an American girl, there was some laughter and banter. He spotted me, and I gave him a big wink.

He went back home after a year. He must be in his forties now, maybe a family man. I doubt if he was abnormally reserved. He was a stranger in a foreign land, not sure how to fit in. He found the natives were not too bad, and felt able to respond. Maybe that's how some people feel all the time, like outsiders in their own home town. It must be so hard for them.

When he gave me the flowers he said some very kind things, said I looked cool, a happy person. By this time I had just gone onto Prozac, and did feel better. However during the first months I was at rock bottom. I was way too skinny, hair thinning, scared to meet people I knew, in case the tears came. I must hide my crazy really well, because life meant nothing to me. All he saw was the smile. I felt so pleased that I had made the effort to speak to this nice lad.

We can so easily become immersed in our own thoughts and troubles. We lose sight of the humanity and kindness around us, dismiss the chances to connect. It takes two to tango. We should not make assumptions. Keep an open mind, give other people a chance. If you are shy and reserved that does not have to be a handicap. Many people find those qualities attractive. Hari was a self-confessed geek, but a bit of practice worked wonders. Like the song says "Make believe you're brave, and the trick will take you far".

Valerie
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

40 comments - Permalink


4

April


Five ways to Wellbeing - Be active Thursday April 4, 2019


Not long before Christmas I saw an ad on the 'Book of faces' for a beginners yoga class, literally 2 minutes down the road from where I live. Now I'd never done yoga before but I've often read articles espousing its benefits in developing strength, coordination and inner wellbeing.

So I noted it was a community, pay-as-you-feel class and as it had no long term commitment and sign up, I wondered if it might just be something I could try.

What did I have to lose? If I went once and hated it there was no need to go back ever again, no expectation to be good at it either as it was a beginners class. Hopefully everyone would be as bad at it as me!

All I had to do was message the teacher on facebook to tell her I was interested. You cannot imagine the angst I went through that evening when she messaged me straight back saying yes there was a class running and it was tomorrow and to come along.

In the past anything like this has usually taken me weeks to summon up the courage to message back let alone go along, and I usually talked myself out of it by the time the event comes along. So inevitably I spent the whole of that night waking up wondering how to get myself out of going.

Well, all kinds of excuses came to mind that night but by the morning I didn't think any of the rather fantastical stories I had created would really be worth admitting to. I had nothing better to do and a sneaking suspicion that it might not be as bad as I thought.

When I arrived at the class my worst nightmare was realised - I was the only person to show up. Apparently another couple of people who had been the week before weren't able to make it that day. So I asked if she wanted to cancel (I was looking for any excuse to get out and fast because the spotlight was going to be on me it seemed - eek!) No of course not the lovely teacher replied we've both made the effort to be here so let's practise yoga together.

From thinking that that hour would probably be the longest of my life, over the course of the next 60 minutes I realised that with yoga it doesn't matter how good you are, how flexible, how toned or how motivated, once you are doing it you just get wrapped up in the movements and balances and the time rushes by.

I've just signed up for a 6 week yoga beginner's course as a result of those drop ins, so being active is now a weekly part of my life. I know when the 6 weeks ends I won't want to give it up, I'll be back at the drop in and delighted if I'm the only one there.

Ellie
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

40 comments - Permalink


3

April


Therapeutic Hugs Wednesday April 3, 2019


"Mummy, Daddy, can I have a hug?"

Thank goodness, that's a phrase often heard in my house.

We don't by any means get everything right, but one thing I think we do okay at is hugs. Every weekday I get the children up at 6am (the school bus goes at 7am) and start the day by giving them a hug. We usually end the day with a hug too. They get a hug when they come home from school. My husband gets a kiss as he leaves for work and a hug when he returns. Hugs transfer love and make us feel good.

It's not always easy. Sometimes I must inflict hugs on my children. For quite a few years my elder daughter did not want hugs, but I kept on hugging. When our lovely young friend Richard first came to stay with us I had to teach him how to hug, as he had not experienced any hugs in his home.

To receive a hug is to, for a moment, be vulnerable in another's arms and to receive their love. Even when it is friends who mutually hug, it is a shared lowering of defences. If you do not become open in that moment, your body feels stiff and unyielding in the arms of the person giving the hug. That hug is undeliverable and is returned to sender.

Sadly, many of us do not have family or close friends with whom to share hugs. Some of us do not have a hugging history. We did not hug in my family, and it was not until I went to university that I learned how to hug. I attended one church where hugging was banned for fear of inappropriate sexual contact!

Oh yes – how do we deal with that one? We've all seen the way men hug each other: the "manly" hug, maintaining a distance of at least six inches between crotches and involving much back-thumping. I'm sorry, chaps, but it does look a bit ridiculous. I compare it with the way I have seen my husband hold his elderly father in a strong but gentle hug. An automatic misalignment – disalignment rather – coped with the crotch issue and the love demonstrated brought tears to my eyes.

A good hug must be strong, even if frailty or illness mean it must be gentle. Height differences must be accounted for. The day my daughter stepped back, grinned at me and said, "Mummy – I'm taller than you now – I think you must go 'under'," was very special. And a good hug must be long – at least five seconds; studies recommend ten. That doesn't sound long, but – if you think about it – most social hugs last only two seconds. That's not enough time for the endorphins to generate.

And – we must accept that sometimes a hug is not appropriate. Sometimes a gentle hand placed on the upper portion of the arm is all we can do to give comfort, support and to show we care.

Mary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below

83 comments - Permalink


2

April


Gender stereotyping in mental health Tuesday April 2, 2019


Recently I raised the subject (I hijacked someone else's blog) of me making snide jokey remarks about my husband and I asked if it offended the males on this site and of course other women but I was mainly concerned about the men. I didn't get much response and none from any men although I was grateful to those who did see my comment and replied. Hence my blog today.

My remarks were intended as harmless. I expressed irritation with some of my husband's reactions or behaviour and frequently did this in my comments and also in blogs.

However, the other day, I begun to feel bad about it, not so bad for my husband, but bad for male Moodscopers reading such stuff. I thought to myself, if the men joked about their female partners in the way I felt entitled to do with my husband, how would I feel?

Now I know women have been the butt of male jokes for hundreds of years and yes we have suffered as a result. However let's for the purpose of this blog, forget about (if possible) the historical subjugation of women by men and focus on present day mental health which affects the genders equally. Depression is no respecter of any demographic.
Also men take their own lives as a result of depression and mental health issues more frequently than females. We all know the statistics on this or if we don't, can look them up.

I guess the point of my blog is to ask men what they think? I mean why don't the men (and some women of course) ever make fun even remotely of their partners?

Are they afraid to?

I know many of us here on this site do not have a partner and I apologise if they feel they can't relate to any of this. But actually the points I am making do have significance more widely than just husband and wife or partner relationships.

I was worried that my comments about my OH might not in fact be quite as harmless as I thought; in fact if the truth be known I didn't give it a thought when expressing them on Moodscope. Now I am thinking maybe they upset some fragile men and made them feel even worse. I apologise if I did.

I have always considered myself a feminist. I am one and will always strive for equality of the sexes in all areas of life. I have been one for years and will never give up. But why is it OK for women to openly jest about their male partners and not men and/or why don't men do it more?

Jul
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below

152 comments - Permalink


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