The Moodscope Blog

24

August


Oh no not again!! Saturday August 24, 2019


I've been on this recovery journey for quite a few years now. I've had three years of personal therapy (tick), studying for my counselling degree (very nearly qualified so almost a tick) and personal development (tick).

So why then do I wake up on a Monday morning after a great weekend feeling that I am useless and a complete waste of space??? Noooooooo!! I am right back where I started.

Wrong! I have awareness which I never had previously. I probably overindulged in both food and alcohol. Probably? Well ok I did. A bit of comparison crept in between myself and my friend. We have very different histories and different stories to tell. Neither better nor worse than the other. I also found out later that the universe was shifting a lot of energy around that time.

So the difference now is I didn't isolate and continue with the self-soothing with alcohol. I felt my sadness and yes, I was sad and lonely. A very difficult thing for me to admit. But guess what? It's ok. People don't run a mile when I say I'm lonely. I take responsibility for myself and reach out and connect and ask for help when I need it.

This recovery isn't easy and its ongoing and I feel truly blessed for my Moodscope community. I dip in and out but know that there are always people here when I need them as I am there for others.

I'm going to keep connecting and stop beating myself up so much if I feel low. I know that these are just feelings and they will pass.

Lara
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

17 comments - Permalink


23

August


It's all Loss Friday August 23, 2019

[Salt Water mum wrote this piece in April but is happy for it to be published today. Her mum sadly died on 2nd July 2019]

Four weeks ago, my sister and I brought our children to say goodbye to their Granny. My mother was dying and it was time to let her go. So we all thought. My sister, being the practical one, insisted we go shopping for our 'funeral' clothes that same day too. When our father had died, we had raced from his death bed to the department store to buy our black ensembles. This time, we would be prepared!

I remember that department store vividly - my ex-husband rang as I hunted for suitable black shoes for my children. He told me he had always loved my father and that he had always loved me. He reminded me that 'love was never our problem'. Which was true. We did the love thing well. It was the 'normal' living bit that we couldn't manage. I remember sitting on the floor crying, amidst mismatched kids footwear. Crying about my failed marriage, crying about my dead father and just crying because sometimes it all gets too much.

So, here we are again but mum, with all her strength, has defied the doctors and is alive still. No one knows how long she has. Hers is a complicated illness - nothing about my mother is straightforward! We have a tense, volatile relationship and yet I love her. It's the same with my ex-husband. Part of me will always love him because he is the father of my children.

In the past few weeks, I have heard the same advice from three people: 'Choose your life partner carefully, it's the biggest decision you will ever make.'

One of those people was a character in a novel.
One was from a TED talk.
And one was a rather strange, random man I walked past on the beach (I meet a lot of such people - another blog!!)

Death. Grief. Hurt. Loss. I'm lumping them all in here. People who you love and you leave or who leave you. And it's all painful. I remember commiserating with a lovely woman, a poet, when her husband died.

'I was sorry to hear about your husband's death,' I said.

'And I was sorry to hear of your separation,' she said.

'Oh gawd, no, completely different,' I argued, '...thank you but you've been through so much...' And she looked at me and said the kindest, most insightful words I heard at that time '...it's still loss, a different kind, but it's all loss.'

Every visit since our 'goodbye-to-Gran-day', when I leave mum now, I say 'I love you'. Even the days she doesn't speak to me or doesn't know who I am or imitates my voice in a mocking way. Even those days, I say 'I love you, mum'.

She's old. She's sick. She's lived her life. It won't be a tragedy. She wasn't motherly. She wasn't the mother I wish I'd had. But I do love her. And I will miss her.

It's all loss.

Salt water mum
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

44 comments - Permalink


22

August


Feel the fear... and do it anyway. Thursday August 22, 2019


I don't like flying and have never flown long haul. So I was in denial that last December I booked flights to visit my dear long-standing friend in Singapore. Not only was I bucking all my natural instincts and phobias to put myself on a plane for fifteen hours, but I was also taking my two children just to make it more difficult.

So, dear reader, we made it. As I write we are about to go for dim sum, Sunday lunch, before we fly back tonight.

This has not been without adventure. We missed our connecting flight from Frankfurt so that we were stranded late at night in a strange city. But I found a hotel, regrouped, ordered pizza and then bought a new flight. Nothing was stopping me now.

As we flew over Russia and China I learnt to accept turbulence was not an imminent sign of disaster. We arrived in Hong Kong, which was not part of the original itinerary, and finally in Singapore.

And then we had a ball!!

So what have I learnt (apart from the fact that Singapore is hot, hot, hot) is that I can do this. I can fly, I can overcome deep-seated fears, I can navigate a strange country (albeit most people speak English and it's one of the safest in the world) and I can and deserve to enjoy myself.

So I apologise if this seems a huge boast and showing off about a holiday of a lifetime but...

It is about resilience and bravery. At Frankfurt when we missed our flight at that point I could have flown back home, but I was encouraged by those I love to keep going.

So I challenge you to confront one fear. What will it be?

BrumMum
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

29 comments - Permalink


21

August


You've Got a Friend in Me Wednesday August 21, 2019


You've got a friend in me,
You've got a friend in me.
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles away from your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said,
You've got a friend in me; yeah, you've got a friend in me.

You've got a friend in me,
You've got a friend in me.
You've got some troubles,
I got 'em too;
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We'll stick together and see it through
Cause you've got a friend in me,
You've got a friend in me.

Some folks might be a little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too (maybe)
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It's me and you, boy.
And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You're going to see it's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me.

There are many good songs to have come out of the Walt Disney films, but this is one of the best for me.

This morning a very good friend knocked on my door and said, "I'm going for a walk: would you like to come too?"

Of course, she didn't mean walk; she meant a walk and an opportunity to talk.

She's been through troubles, I've been there too. She's been through tough times with her daughters, just as mine too are going through their troubled teenage years.

We cannot escape troubles in this life. What we can do, however, is pour out those troubles to a sympathetic ear. My friend certainly received a deluge this morning.

They say you make friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life. I hope that each one of us has a least a couple of good friends for life; friends with whom we can share the deepest troubles of our souls.

And the joys too – because life can be sweet.

I think the trick of making real friendships which last for life is trust and vulnerability. You can never hope to make a real connection, one which lasts, if you do not trust that person with your vulnerability. I'm not talking about spilling your deepest secrets on a first meeting, but establishing, bit by bit, a deeper relationship than mere "friendliness". This also means you cannot hope to have many of these friends. This really is an area where quality outweighs quantity.

And, yes, sometimes giving that trust and being vulnerable means coping with hurt and loss if the person you trust doesn't return that friendship on the same level.

But the value of the real friendships that survive is worth the grief and pain of the ones which don't. I wouldn't be without my friends; each of them is treasured and valued in their own unique way. And I know they value me in return.

Mary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

59 comments - Permalink


20

August


The Danger of a Single Story Tuesday August 20, 2019


It's funny how the world works sometimes. My job is to raise money for charities. I wrote my Master's thesis ten years ago, when I was just starting out as a fundraiser. I was inspired hugely by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's moving TED talk "The Danger of a Single Story" - if you haven't seen it already, I highly recommend you do! Then last week at work, I was invited to a training session entitled "Challenging Privilege and the Danger of Single Stories". It turned out to be inspired by the same Adichie TED talk and was promoting the same messages that I wrote so extensively about ten years ago.

The sentiment of my thesis has stayed with me throughout my career because really, we fundraisers are just story-tellers. Stories are human nature, and they have a significant impact on all of us throughout our lives. Think of a story that's told in your family, or something you read or heard about on the news. It might be the plot of a film or a play. Perhaps it moved you emotionally. Perhaps it changed your perception of something.

Our brains are wired to understand and retain stories – it's a neurological fact. Because of this, stories are powerful and the "single story" – even more so. A single story is limiting, and it creates stereotypes. We see them all around us. Girls like pink, boys like blue. Girls are nurses, teachers, secretaries. Boys are engineers, pilots, brain surgeons. This single story about what a girl "is" and what a boy "is" has had a huge impact on our world.

Thankfully we live in a time where much of society recognises these single stories as just that – one, single story of one, single human's experience. In my job I'm conscious of it all the time, and of the responsibility we have, as story-tellers, to question, challenge and disrupt these stereotypes so that others can live lives that are equally unlimited.

It got me thinking, though, about the single story that I tell myself, about myself, and the impact that this has had on my life.

I am in my thirties and have never had a relationship. This is a shameful, sad story that is unrecoverable from, I have told myself. I haven't been in love because I am broken, there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I don't deserve it, I tell myself.

I see my story everywhere. When friends get married, when they divorce, when new babies arrive, when I watch a movie, listen to a song. It reinforces the one single story I tell myself, about myself, that I am not worthy, I will never experience these magical moments of life and therefore I am lesser than everyone else.

Why do I have so much belief that others deserve to be seen as the multitude of complex conflicting unpredictable stories that they are, but leave no space for myself to do the same? Can I apply some of that complexity to my own experience and think of some stories that I have lived, or might live, that have a different ending to "I don't deserve love"?

Is this something you recognise? Are there stories you have told yourself, or have been told about yourself, that have limited your experiences or even, perhaps, enhanced your life?

Lucy
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

81 comments - Permalink


19

August


Balance Monday August 19, 2019


For you, today, gentle words of encouragement... especially if you feel what follows isn't true for you!

I filmed a remedial massage therapist. Amanda got the group of professional women to stand up and blow into a balloon. She explained that the lungs were an essential part of our, "core stabilisers." As we stand and exhale strongly enough to fill a balloon (20 times in the morning while the kettle is boiling), we re-establish our stability. Sitting for protracted periods of time affects our hip-hinge in a very unhelpful way, leading to core instability when we stand. This instability is responsible for many of the injuries that she addresses.

Amanda's claim is that we need to activate our core stabilisers... and then she went on to say something I'm not sure I believe, but which I thought was fascinating. She said, "We don't grow old; we grow instable." Hey, I didn't even think this was a word in English! Some grammarians, however, accept 'instable' as a word. It means, "exhibiting instability." She continued, "Our bodies are not designed to sit down. Our bodies are designed to move."

Jumping to my granddaughters, it's been a delight to see each of them in turn overcome instability in their quest to walk. There is something within them that helps them move from instability to stability – to achieve both balance and momentum.

I am aware of the same concept shown in how our bodies normally regulate temperature, and blood sugar, and all the things we don't pay attention to until they go wrong! The 'norm' is balance – stability.

Nature, too, moves all the while towards balance. One way or another, with or without our help, the Earth will find ecological balance again. Life always finds a way, even if it seems to take forever.

Here, then, are my words of encouragement to those of us who are sad now. Joy will come again. It's balance.

Here, then, are my words of encouragement to those of us who weep now. We will smile again. It is the way of balance.

Here are my words of encouragement to those of us who feel confused and lost now. We will regain clarity and direction. This is the way of balance.

When we are in the midst of sorrow, loss, weeping, and confusion – we do not feel there will ever be a change but there will be. This is as certain as day following night, Spring following Winter, grandchildren learning to walk. Time brings balance. There is hope.

Lex
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

106 comments - Permalink


18

August


Hello, you're doing great Sunday August 18, 2019


I didn't realise I had depression for quite some years after I'd been walking around with it. Never knowing why I felt the ways I did (even after speaking to my doctor) I blundered through trying to make sense of it all. It wasn't spelled out to me. The name not uttered. I made a slow discovery over many years, feeling a bit stupid eventually, and of course I carried it around still under wraps as I'd been shown was the way to do it. Thankfully, we are slowly seeing a huge shift in this type of behaviour. I still tend not to tell people but I think quite a lot of that is just who I am rather than any sort of shame or embarrassment.

For anyone reading today who is still unsure of where they are or why they feel so bad, I wonder if you might be able to send a little light. Anyone who is able, please leave just a couple of words or a short sentence in the comments to give a little hope. Perhaps something you wish you had heard. I have lots collected over the years but something I often return to is "Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind".

It's score time. Let's see where we are today so we can adjust accordingly. I will if you will.

Love from

The room above the garage
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

111 comments - Permalink


17

August


Learning never stops Saturday August 17, 2019


I have lived for many years between highs and lows. It was years before I identified these, thanks to good friends who had the courage to be honest with me. One once said "I find you easier when you're depressed any day" and I had always thought how being outward and energetic was so much easier for friends to deal with.

I learnt that some friends could cope whilst they were single but not once they had a family, my up energy disturbing the routine of their lives, already difficult with small children.

I've learnt that friends have their time with me and it's ok if they need to take space.

I've learnt to read my own behaviour and take myself to quieter places when my energy runs high.

I've learnt to phone the samaritans for support, not just on extreme days.

Through commitment to counselling I can reflect and make good decisions. I have learnt to take responsibility for myself and my illness.

A friend asked if I could take a pill that would take my illness away, would I. I replied "I don't know, because this is who I am, where I am and what I am and that is a decision I don't have to consider today."

For today I have learnt enough to get by, may be tomorrow will be quiet or have a new strong learning that the world and it's reality brings. For now I have learnt enough to get by today.

Lynne
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

76 comments - Permalink


16

August


Hello everyone... Friday August 16, 2019

I've not had a laptop for a while and, that coupled with being silly busy has meant I haven't been doing much on here. But you know what? I've missed you all! I really have. Yet despite not coming on here and reading all your blogs (gosh I have some very interesting catch-up reading to do), I can honestly say there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you all.

An emotion or thought would creep in and some of your names would instantly jump to mind - with a few wise words that I'd expect to hear from you! Whilst milking the goats I'd find myself telling them about you and some of your past blogs (which seemed to amuse them...) Clearing out more of Mum and Dad's papers (yes it still goes on) I thought of some of the many kind words of encouragement I've received from you. The other day Hubby and I were carrying all the wood into the woodshed (I'm sure many of you will remember how emotive it was to go ahead with the felling of the trees...) Well, as some of you suggested, we have looked into getting a carving done and hubby is also turning one into a bird table. Whilst still on the subject of the trees, we were sitting having a brew the other day and admiring the view. I remarked to Hubby that, as pointed out by members on here, we are now able to enjoy a view that was before obscured from us, silver lining to every cloud eh?

I smiled a few days ago, I was reading out a joke to my OH and as he was laughing I said "Yes, I miss my daily Moodscope joke" and guess what he answered... "so do I" haha because I invariably read that out to him also.

Yes wise words, laughter and encouragement – that's what I think of when I think of this fabulous group. Everyone showing understanding and feeling empathy for each other in a way few other groups can achieve; all expertly navigated by the wonderful Caroline (et al) and yes Caroline, I have thought of you often as well.

Yes I've missed you lot, and I shall enjoy reading through all I've missed.

Off to pop the kettle on now and begin catching up on what you've all been chatting about... :)

Rosemary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

52 comments - Permalink


15

August


Is it really a good idea to have any expectations? Thursday August 15, 2019


This is a question I posed to myself whilst waiting for my flight home. My sleep-deprivation undeniably sparked a pensive mood within me; a question that I asked myself after getting off the phone to my boyfriend.

What if we have a less-than-touching reunion? My anxious brain panicked. I had this idea, I suppose you could almost call it a fantasy, in my head of us reuniting at the airport. Would he give me a long, warm hug and a passionate kiss? Or would it be a quick hug and a peck on the cheek?

The thought of the latter happening filled me with dread, and despair. I didn't want that kind of reunion. Then again, if we set up idealistic, or even realistic, expectations in our heads, are we just setting ourselves up for failure?

The thing is, thinking about it made me worried. I knew that if he came to meet me and it was anything less than romantic and affectionate, that I'd be bitterly disappointed and possibly a bit resentful towards him. I don't want to feel that way; after all, it's not his fault if he doesn't meet the expectations that I set up for him in my head.

But... if not his fault, then whose? Is it mine for setting up any expectations in the first place? Or is it rather a case that no one at all is to blame?

On the other hand, surely it's good to have some expectations in life? Having hope for how something, or someone, will turn out enables us to have some awareness of what's coming. This way, we're not completely blindsided by that something (or someone).

And yet... we still get disappointed and frustrated when things don't pan out the way we hoped.

So... am I completely irrational? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I'm actually amazed at myself that I somehow managed to in-still a feeling of nervousness and dread in to our reunion. I didn't want it to be mediocre, or not special. I want the long bear-hug. I want the passionate kiss.

All in all, is it a good idea to set expectations?

Tiffany
A Moodscope member.

(foot note: our reunion at the airport was very sweet and affectionate!)

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

33 comments - Permalink


14

August


Facing Loss! Wednesday August 14, 2019


"Mummy, I want an iPhone."

That was a year ago. My daughter's basic, "Going to Big School" phone had died, and needed to be replaced with something with something more sophisticated. An iPhone, however, was not in the budget.

So began the negotiations.

She is a good negotiator, my daughter. She found a reputable site selling reconditioned iPhones and we agreed we would contribute our original budget and she would make up the difference from her allowance.

So, she got her iPhone – which yesterday, she dropped into the harbour - into three meters of muddy salt water. There was no hope of recovery.

She is probably lucky that this is the worst thing that has happened to her in fourteen years, but that was no comfort; she was devastated. Not just at the loss of her phone – but at her own carelessness in so losing it. She had just forgotten it was in her pocket when she leapt onto the jetty. She was incensed with herself; so much so there was no point in lecturing her on the importance of caring for her possessions: she was far too busy delivering the lecture herself, and with far more invective that ever I could possibly have managed.

But what has come from this disaster has been wonderful. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and the "village" where we stay in the Summer has rallied round. As her mother I could not break through her bitter self-reproaches, but a family friend a few doors down was able to calm her with wisdom and common sense. Her godfather called to offer support and financial assistance. A couple of "early birthday presents" were offered, and an almost stranger offered a contribution. Her father comforted her with the thought that she has joined an exclusive club, as both he and an honorary uncle have both lost phones to the sea.

I was really proud of her. She was racing with the cadets yesterday morning, immediately after this loss. She and her crew got a terrible start and almost immediately fell foul of the wind and tide, going aground. Despite this, she was determined to enjoy herself and spent the rest of the race singing songs and sailing as well as she could – eventually coming in 15th of 19. I would have proud even if she had been last – as she sailed to the best of her ability and she had fun.

We all face disasters in life. If we are lucky, they are disasters of material loss only. Too often they are human losses – on Sunday the road to our community was closed because two young men had died in a car crash. That puts the loss of a phone into perspective.

Courage in facing loss is comparative. Real courage, whatever the loss, is accepting that loss, accepting comfort and assistance and singing songs into the wind as you trim your sails and sail as well as you can.

Mary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

68 comments - Permalink


13

August


Decluttering Tuesday August 13, 2019


This week has been crazy. Delivering training for 3 days has put me outside my comfort zone and stretched me as someone who is naturally a complete introvert.

Alongside that I have had to juggle additional childcare for kids, doggie care for dog and try and keep up with the day job,

Along with making a massive faux pas which has rocked me to the core.

So I find that this has led me wanting to declutter. Something unusual as I am quite comfortable with a level of untidiness and junk that others would not tolerate.

I have had to pull on the resources I have to hand to get me through the week including my patient Mum and very kind listening ear of new partner.

I was picking redcurrants and weeding at 8.30am, tidying my cupboards out at 10.30am.

So why this frenetic activity? In the background my children's grandfather/my father in law is very poorly, work is ramping up and I am feeling the demands are just too much.

I seek solace in my garden, good friends, and pottery classes.

I have a tidier house and I am one step closer to dealing with this crazy life.

I could be hiding under my duvet...(maybe later) but for now it's a sunny day, I have coffee and I will let deal with what I can.

Do you ever find yourself rushing round? How do you slow yourself down?

BrumMum
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

51 comments - Permalink


12

August


You Are My Hero Monday August 12, 2019


Yes, I know most Moodscopers are going to think, "Yeah, Right!" So, I'm going to ask you to stay with this adventure for a few more minutes until you believe you're a hero too.

Heroes don't start out as heroes. They go on a journey to become what they could be. They are normal people who face great danger. Doesn't that sound a bit more like you?

Every hero-in-the-making has NEVER made it on their own. Every single one of them has been found by a Guide... and sometimes more than one guide! Luke Skywalker was a frustrated farm boy, wanting to get off-planet and have a life of adventure. He could see no way of doing this.

If you can see now way out of your frustrating circumstances, start looking out for the Guide – they are out there looking for you. You need a Guide with a map, a plan, some resources. Luke was found in one of his darkest moments by Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan introduced Luke to his bigger destiny – to become a Jedi and get to know the resources of the Force. Obi-Wan gave Luke direction, as all good Guides do.

And Obi-Wan introduced Luke to the next Guide on his hero's journey: Yoda.

There are three more elements on the journey. No hero becomes the hero without something really painful happening – sometimes time and time again. Luke lost his guardians when they and the home were destroyed by the evil Empire. Something had to change. Now does this feel more real? You and I wouldn't be in this community unless the bad stuff had already happened. Bad stuff is still happening, and it could get worse.

The trauma is the trigger.

But we have a choice. Luke could have gone back to the farm and rebuilt it. It would never have been the same, but he could have gone back to the past way of being. If he'd done this, the Empire would have won, and the Rebel Forces crushed. Eventually, Luke would have lost the farm again too as the Empire destroyed everything.

For the hero in you, there is no going back. Luke went forward with the help of his Guides. He found his tribes (the Rebel Alliance and the Jedi), and even got help from unlikely strangers (Han Solo and Chewy). BUT he had to take action.

The results were amazing, but the journey was hard, painful, and with much loss. The end was better and ultimately worth it.

You are a Hero... almost. Moodscope is one of your Guides – a tribe of guides, in fact! You're in an amazing position because there's a different Guide every day through the blog. Your Moodscope score is the measure of the Force! Your traumas are real. And we all know that if we don't take action, it's not going to get better. Therefore, I want to stir us all up today to do three things.

1) To be open to new Guides in our lives – when the Hero is ready the Guide will appear.

2) To take the action the Guide suggests – trust the process, follow the plan.

3) To BE the Guide to someone else. You've been there, done that, survived. You know stuff – stuff that can help others. Blog!

And to finish with some final great news: the Hero is NEVER perfect; neither is the Guide. Just be yourself, stay open to becoming the Hero of your own story, and be the Guide for someone else's.

Lex
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

48 comments - Permalink


11

August


Have travel cot, will shower Sunday August 11, 2019


When my twins were babies, I'd often resort to popping them safely inside a travel cot with mesh sides, beside the bathroom door, so I could have a shower. It was the safest place to put them. Even when they were crawling, pulling up and beyond, it felt safer than the alternative. This evening that memory came back.

We've had a trampoline for some time. It's a good one and it was not cheap. It has been the best investment I've ever made. Lately, I made another savvy investment. A bench.

I worked physically hard today. (As a wee sideline, I notice the harder I work physically the less I spend mentally.) Before I came indoors to cook, I took ten minutes. Just ten. I sat on the new bench, wiped dry from the spots of rain with the arm of my garden jacket. Since there were real teenagers having a great time together on the trampoline, without arguing and without phones, I realised I needed to grasp that moment and enjoy it fully. And so I did. It gave me the biggest beaming smile to watch as I realised they were still exactly where they were as babies, inside a mesh sided contraption holding them safe. I had my chuckle. I watched, witnessed and replied where needed. I think I'm doing ok. Better than I think sometimes.

My own key seems to be to break life into tiny pieces and try to deal with those pieces one by one and its also in knowing when to sit in the rain and be thankful for the moment.

I'm going to log my scores. Let's see where we're at today. I will if you will.

Love from

The room above the garage
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

80 comments - Permalink


10

August


It's OK to not be OK 100% of the time Saturday August 10, 2019


I have never really considered writing about my experiences with anxiety until I started reading the blogs on Moodscope. These blogs have really helped me over the past twelve months to put how I have been feeling into perspective and that, "it's ok not to be ok".

I have always been a bit of a people pleaser, as seeing other people happy makes me feel happy. Having anxiety, I have found that this has been more and more difficult for me to do and if I am honest, that is probably not a bad thing. I have found that I think about how situations now affect me rather than how it will affect them if I don't go to a party or gathering.

As long as I can remember I have always suffered with low moods and a few years ago I had my first bout of depression. It was awful, especially as people who didn't understand told me to "pull my socks up and get on with it". Funny how those same people when going through a similar thing and their whole attitude changed. About twelve months ago, I had my second bout of depression but it didn't come alone, it had a new friend called Anxiety! I could cope with the depression, been there done that, but the anxiety feelings were dreadful – like someone giving me a bear hug or an elephant sitting on my chest. I kept it to myself, I didn't really tell anyone in work or family and friends. It has taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that I have anxiety, and I am a little more open about it and don't feel so ashamed, which I had done previously when it all had started. I put this down to being because I am the one that everyone comes to with their problems and I couldn't deal with my own never mind theirs.

I have been very lucky in getting through this, I have a good manager who understands that there are days when I am not good and that I may need to go for a walk or plug into music when things get a little overwhelming. My small group of friends know when to push me a little to go out with them and they do it in a way that I don't always recognise that they are doing it – it is like they go into stealth mode!! I think by having these positive people around, that may not fully understand how I feel, but accept that I feel anxious has definitely helped me, together with accepting that "it's ok not to be ok" 100% of the time.

Clare
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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9

August


Therapy Friday August 9, 2019


About 10 years ago, when the black dog was smothering me and all I could think about was running away, I finally took myself to the GP. He referred me for counselling. Six sessions later, and feeling no better, the counsellor looked at me sadly and said "You have a lot of issues. You need more help.". And then threw me back out into my very ugly world.

So I found a private counsellor. He sat, he listened, but he gave nothing back. This was his style. But after a few sessions I felt we were getting nowhere. So I stopped.

A year or two later, and somehow even lower, I found another counsellor. After a few sessions I could tell this one wasn't going to help either. So I stopped again.

"Counselling doesn't help me" I thought. "You're beyond help" said the voices. So I didn't try again.

Years later, I was confessing to a good friend how hard I was still finding things, and she encouraged me to try again.

This time I found a counsellor with a different approach. She listens, she probes, she understands, and she tells me back what I've just told her so I can hear it myself. Her approach clicked. We clicked. And so I kept seeing her.

With my counsellor's help I have realised things I would never have realised on my own; and I now know myself far better than I did before. It has been painful. At the beginning I was terrified of crying because I thought if I started I would never stop. But I did cry, and I did stop crying. That room has become my private space to say the unsayable, to feel the unfeelable, to stare my demons in the face, release their power over me and moved on. I have found clarity, understanding and peace that I never thought possible.

I tell you this, dear Moodscopers, in the hope that my story may encourage others who are considering help. Or those who may have tried it and found it not to help. It can be exceptionally painful, but I truly believe that with the right person it does work.

With love and peace

Shizzle
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

82 comments - Permalink


8

August


The state of the world Thursday August 8, 2019


I'm having a bad day. I haven't had one in a while and I had forgotten just how bad it can be. When you feel like everything in the world is awful and life will never be good again.

At the moment it's a mix of things bringing me down, I have a lot going on in my personal life which I can usually manage most days, but sometimes it's the wider world that makes it all so overwhelming.

I know these bogs aren't supposed to be political, but at the moment the state of the world is making me despair. I work in news so I hear every day about terrible things that are happening all over the world, and while you do become a bit desensitised to it, some days it just all gets too much. Today it was the shootings in America. I can't stop thinking about all those people who were killed and questioning how there can be such evil at all levels of society in every corner of this world.

It makes me want to curl up under my duvet like a little child and hide from everyone and pretend none of it exists. How can we go about solving the world's problems? Surely it's too big a task for one person – and yet someone has to do something about it or how will we ever get out of this mess? Should I be doing more to try and right the wrongs of the world? Or is that a job for someone else?

The way I try to look at things (and it's much harder to do this on days like today) is that there is only so much one average person can do. There have been people throughout history, and people alive today, who are forces for change and work tirelessly to make the world a better place. I am not one of these people. What I can do it try to make life easier and happier for the small group of people around me (and myself!) by bringing as much light to the world as I am able to. When my dog greets me at the door when I get home from a harrowing shift, it makes me realise I am making a difference and bringing happiness to one life at least.

Not everyone can change the world, and sometimes it's okay to be average.

Lucy H
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

44 comments - Permalink


7

August


Getting Good Wednesday August 7, 2019


I think, although please don't count and tell me I'm wrong, that this is the 350th blog I have written for Moodscope. That's 175,000 words. Okay, so it's not quite the 292,727 words of Game of Thrones, but it's a goodly amount nevertheless.

In the same period, I've written blogs on style and fashion and two – almost three – novels.

When you start something, you're not very good at it. My first novel wasn't my first novel at all. My first novel was written when I was twelve and floundered in chapter three. My second, third, fourth, fifth etc novels all petered out around chapter five. I don't know how many unfinished novels I have in the loft and I don't want to know. One day I will throw them all out, unread.

I even managed to finish that first novel without realising that I didn't know how to write! But I knew I wanted to be good. I want to be a good writer – and that meant learning my craft and practising it.

They say there are four stages of learning. The first stage is unconscious incompetence. So – for instance, before you learn to drive a car, you don't know that you can't drive. Then you have your first driving lesson and find that you absolutely cannot drive: that is conscious incompetence. You continue to take the lessons and pass your test, but still need to concentrate fully when driving: that is conscious competence. Then after some time, you will find that you have driven from your friend's house to your home and cannot remember a thing about it because you were totally absorbed in a radio programme. That is unconscious competence

There is a saying that you must spend 10,000 hours practising before you become a master. I don't know: I think some people have naturally more talent than others. For instance, I am very sure I could spend 10,000 hideous hours playing tennis and still have a hole in my racket where the ball goes through! I have no aptitude for tennis and no interest in it either!

It's the interest that drives you to keep getting better.

For those of us who suffer with depression, this interest can wax and wane. Depression takes away the desire for almost everything – it is emotional paralysis.

Then we berate ourselves for not practising our music, or our art or our sport or (yes) our writing.

But – we couldn't pay tennis with a broken leg – and nor can we be creative with a broken mind. We must heal, and accept the time that healing takes.

We can get good, we can master our sport, our art, our craft. But it might take longer for us to put in that 10,000 hours.

Let's not feel guilty. That sport, art, craft will wait for us.

As for my writing - there is always so much more to learn. So, most of the time – I'm consciously incompetent – and I practise here!

Mary
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

26 comments - Permalink


6

August


Why me? Tuesday August 6, 2019


What has caused my mental health problems that have blighted my life?

Was I born with a tendency to have mental health problems? If so why, because I am not aware of any history of mental health issues in my family. Then again, such problems were not spoken openly about and under diagnosed, so there could have been. My daughter also suffers, but is this nurture or nature?

Was it because I was shy. As a child I was clingy and I still don't like large gatherings. However, I did have a managerial role involving public speaking. My ability to cope with this role varied depending on if I was on a high or low. When low, other staff helped and when in the office left me alone to come out of it. When high I relished the public speaking and often interrupted colleagues when they were wanting to concentrate by chatting incessantly. Am I an introvert compensating with stressful effort to impress others?

Was it the lack of physical affection as a child. I knew I was loved but no cuddles. Was it the sexual abuse when I was 9 by a relative? I have had talking therapy for this but perhaps the damage was permanently etched into my inner child?

Will I ever be free? I have come to terms with the medication, rather like a diabetic accepts lifelong insulin. I do all of the self help strategies which I have found helps. Despite this, depression keeps creeping up on me like a black rain cloud that drifts over me, sometimes I can see it approaching, sometimes I just wake and it's there.

Do you have any theories about 'Why you' and like me, do you become angry about the unfairness of it?

Having said that, sometimes I think it's worth suffering the darkness if the cloud, to appreciate the glorious sunshine of the high.

Jenny
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

81 comments - Permalink


5

August


Because Monday August 5, 2019


Yesterday, I caught my side against a chunk of rusty metal as I was bringing in the bins. My mind instantly instructed me that this was because I was 'clumsy'. "Interesting!" I thought.

Life is not the way I want, nor the way I thought it would turn out. My mind tells me this is because I am 'stupid'. It has also volunteered other unwanted reasons for my circumstances such as I am, in its opinion, 'lazy' and 'fat'! In fact, I can't remember the last time it said anything nice to me.

If my mind was a friend, it would soon be an ex-friend.

Let's be clear. This is MY mind. It's part of me and is the sum of the patterns of thinking I've practiced for 58 years. It is my problem, and, therefore, I am the solution. I can change my mind.

It's going to take time – a lot of time – but I am beginning with that one word, "Because."

Why did I hurt my side on the rusty metal? It was because I was carefully negotiating the passage of the bins through the gate and didn't see the danger. It was not because I was clumsy, it was because I simply didn't see. I was, in fact, being diligent and thoughtful because that's the way I am.

My circumstances are the way they are mainly because of poor choices I've made... and that's good news. I have a million choices ahead of me – better choices that I can make, and they will make all the difference. I'm not in control of everything, but I am in control of more than I realise or give myself credit for.

I will improve my circumstances because I have learned much over the years.

I have learned much over the years because I am becoming wiser.

I will become slimmer and more healthy because I will exercise more.

I will become even more wise because I am still learning, and learning is exponential.

And I will be kinder to myself because I am worth it.

"Because," means to 'Be' the 'Cause' – so be the cause of something better.

Be the cause of something wonderful in your life today. Be kind to yourself because you're worth it. Write in the comments some of the encouraging words you say to yourself so that we may be encouraged too. I want to see the good things you say about yourself.

Lex
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

62 comments - Permalink


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